Search

The Daily Gravy

Still crying—AISU's Only Reliable News Source

Tag

Student

Student Petition to the School Board AND TOWN HALL MEETING THURSDAY AT 7PM MURRAY LIBRARY EVERYONE WELCOME

If you want to make your voice be heard regarding the unjust termination of great people such as Mike Farley, Steve Farley, Greg Farley (Steve’s clone who worked as a lunch lady), and Kelly Casaday, you now have a great means to do so. Join your fellow students in voicing their disappointment in decisions made by the AISU board of directors in a cool and productive way.

Follow this link to the student petition: Students’ Petition (Conceived and Written by Students)

Note: Mike Farley and all other adults mentioned have no knowledge of the writing of this petition.

 

Also, if you are a parent, sign this petition: Parent Petition (written and conceived by parents)

If you are neither of these, but care about Mike and Steve and Greg and Kelly a great deal, sign either one. I don’t care. No matter who you are, though please do not sign both. We want this to be as honest and legal of a process as possible, as boring as that is. If you are a student AND a parent (we won’t judge), I guess you can sign both. Otherwise, stay honest please.

IMPORTANT UPDATE:

THERE WILL BE A TOWN HALL Q&A WITH MIKE FARLEY, WHO WILL, WITH A LEGAL INFORMANT, BE ANSWERING ANY QUESTIONS THAT YOU, STUDENTS, PARENTS, OR UNCONNECTED COMMUNITY MEMBERS, MAY HAVE.

IT WILL BE AT 7:00 PM MOUNTAIN TIME, THURSDAY JULY 6, AT THE MURRAY LIBRARY (166 E. 5300 S., Murray UT, 84107).

SEE PICTURE FOR MORE DETAILS.

20170701_205202109_iOS

 

Advertisements

AISU Hoping Pokémon-Go Craze Will Compel Students to Attend School

Murray, UT – Over the past week, the iOS and Android app “Pokémon-Go” has captured the attention of teens and unambitious adults around the world, quickly surpassing both Tinder and Snapchat in popularity. The American International School of Utah, which is also in the business of capturing teenage attention, is hoping to use the popular app to encourage students to “finally at least show up” to the school once classes start in mid-August.

“Whenever we hear of something succeeding with the teen demographic, our first thought is, ‘How can we use this to get students to go to class?’” said an anonymous AISU staff member named Mike Stumph. “To borrow a phrase, we intend to ‘catch them all.’”

The school has released a full augmented-reality floor plan of its new Pokémon-Go setup, which includes Pokéstops in every classroom except for the performing arts classrooms, which are reserved for Pokémon recreation and breeding. As part of the plan, the P.E. classes have been renamed “Advanced Pokémon Egg Hatching,” and part-timers from K2 have been hired to nurture innovative “Pokémon wildlife centers” in the atrium.

Screenshot (2)ffchbc 1The Pokémon-Go setup floor plan for AISU’s main floor. Picture anonymously provided by Bill Glad.

“If this doesn’t get students to come to school, I don’t know what will.” Stated Stumph.

As a result of these implementations, the school has already begun to attract many teenagers and middle-aged single men who live in the apartments behind the school but apparently do not yet have adult responsibilities. The problem, however, is that classes don’t start for another month. But while school officials were initially opposed to strangers wandering around the school in the middle of the summer, they say they’ve now taken advantage of the opportunity.

“At first we threatened to enroll them in Beginning Orchestra or a GCE integrated course, but that didn’t scare them away, so we turned it into a sort of impromptu summer school program,” said Mr. Justis, who asked to remain anonymous. “We’ve brought teachers on who are trained to locate Pokémon and Pokéstops and shove useless information at hopeful Pokémon catchers while they’re violently swiping their smartphones. Once a week, we’ll give each ‘trainer’ a true-or-false test to assess learning, using the ‘blink once for true, twice for false’ approach.”

“If it works well, we might even use it as the school’s base curriculum once it’s not cool anymore,” Justis added.

Enrolled AISU students have noted that, while they would be more encouraged to attend school if it were full of augmented reality Pokémon and Pokéstops, they are worried that by mid-August, Pokémon-Go just might not be popular anymore. In fact, some experts say that even augmented reality itself will be obsolete by next month, predicting that the trend by that time will be new “pure-reality” games, consisting of actual physical interaction without interference from devices. AISU hasn’t yet made a statement on these predictions, but most observers believe there is little chance the school will change its position, given its history of holding on to policies even after they are proven ineffective, along with the fact that many faculty members “love Pokémon.”

A Tribute Article to AISU’s Class of 2016: See You Next Year! Oh, Wait. Never Mind.

AISU—Tonight, AISU seniors who have earned all necessary credits will graduate and receive a one-way ticket to the “real world.” The question rises, however, about what these new adults will do with their newfound freedom mingled with burdensome responsibilities. Many graduating seniors (some after a “gap year” or an LDS mission) are choosing to go to a university or mental institution, but more adventurous students have other plans. Some of the post–high school plans of these adventurous students (whose names have been changed to protect the innocent) include:

 

Alex Thomasson: Train to become a professional goofball for Google, Inc.

 

Tristan Pill: Open a “Happy Hip-Hop Homies” all-girls dance academy

 

Pherica Air: Start a nonprofit dedicated to teaching underprivileged wild animals how to paint pictures of lollipops and bubblegum for their mothers

 

Ostrich Huntergaard: Train Alex Thomasson to become professional goofball

 

Java-ier: Win 50 consecutive People’s Choice Awards and beat Trump in the 2016 election.

 

BeLisa Hoax: Start planning reunions

 

Eon Hair: Start planning to not attend reunions

 

Sandra Bagstaff: Become a civil rights activist for the vertically challenged

 

Silly Narsden: Start a classical metal band called “Beethovenian Beelzebub” or “Baroquen Mirrors” or “My Chemical Romantic Era” or something like that

 

Salutatorian: Become the best and most popular inspirational speaker in the history of the world

 

Valedictorian: Get all teeth knocked out ASAP

 

The AISU Daily Gravy wishes luck, happiness, and free cars to this year’s graduating seniors. Good luck to all of you with this whole “life” thing. It can be pretty tough sometimes. Luckily for you, though, you don’t have to endure through the birthing pains of AISU 3.0, so you should consider yourselves extremely lucky. You really dodged an enormous, exploding, kryptonite bullet by graduating this year. We all envy you for that. We love you guys, and we hope to see you again often down the road. Good luck and be happy! Go rock at whatever it is you’re going to be doing! Way to be!
Lots of love, the Daily Gravy

Unsuspecting Student Accidentally Watches AISU School News, Comes Clean

AISU – A pure-intentioned, anonymous student turned herself in to authorities yesterday, confessing to having watched AISU Morning News, though she insists it was an accident.

 

The student, who spoke with the media on conditions of anonymity, claims to have been attempting to permanently delete the “urgent allone” thread in her school email when an unfamiliar message titled “AISU Morning News” showed up in her inbox. The student claims to have ignored it at first, as would every self-respecting person, but at that exact moment, her computer froze. “So I did what I always do in that situation,” said the student, “I randomly moved my mouse all over the screen and clicked everywhere a million times until it worked.”

 

However, once the mouse-moving and click spamming did work, the student found that she had inadvertently opened the AISU School News email and started to play it. “I was terrified,” said the student, who is believed to be the only person to ever watch the school news without being featured in it.

 

“I thought I would never be treated as normal anymore. … I was sure I would never be able to live this down.”

 

The student said she worried about what people would think about her if they found out what had happened. “I thought I would never be treated as normal anymore. I was afraid I would be known as ‘the girl who watched the school news’ for the rest of my life. I was sure I would never be able to live this down.”

 

She says her first reaction was to cover up her mistake. “I thought about hiding it. I could delete my history, never tell anyone, and nobody would have to know,” she said. “Unfortunately, Mike was standing right behind me at that moment, and he saw what I was doing. He said he wouldn’t tell anyone, but I knew he thought differently of me immediately.”

 

“So I knew what I had to do. I had to come clean. I thought that if I didn’t tell my side of the story, rumors would start, and the more I let the rumor spread, the more corrupted it would get, you know?” Said the victim, “And besides, it was an innocent mistake, and even though that doesn’t make me feel any better about seeing it, it did make it easier to come clean.”

 

This victim of school news videos says she has now opened a completely anonymous 12-step school news viewing recovery program, so that people can get help without facing public ridicule. She has also started a petition asking that the AISU school news emails not be sent to minors without parental consent. She’s already earning praise for her efforts. “This young lady is an excellent example of accomplishing great things despite social damnation to make the world a better and safer place,”says school psychologist Barbara Walters, herself a recovering news-watcher. “She is a role model to victims of the school news everywhere.”

Student Goes Entire Day with Tag Sticking Out of Shirt

AISU – On Tuesday, April 5, an unnamed AISU student was seen in the cafeteria during lunch with his tag sticking out of his shirt. The incident was confirmed by many eye-witnesses, some of whom reported seeing the out-of-place tag at other times throughout the day, leading authorities us to assume that the victim didn’t notice what was happening until it was too late.

 

Sources close to the victim explain that while several people saw his tag was sticking out, nobody had the heart to tell him about the mishap. “He looked so clueless about the whole thing,” an anonymous witness said, choking back tears. “Nobody wanted to ruin his day by telling him about it, and it was pretty hilarious, too.”

 

Word of the spectacle spread quickly through the school, until it seemed everyone knew about the wardrobe malfunction except the victim himself. “I didn’t even know [the victim] existed until today,” one classmate said. “But now it’d be hard not to know.”

 

The victim is believed to have noticed the tag once he arrived at home, and spent the remainder of the evening wondering how long it had been that way. He was next seen at school with a paper bag over his head and duct tape keeping his tag down. Since the incident, he has never been seen within 15 feet of another human being. He is now rumored to be removing all tags from his shirts, undergoing extensive plastic surgery, and moving to Uruguay. Such behavior is quite normal, experts say. “Can you blame him?” said one psychologist, who asked to remain anonymous and was hard to understand perfectly because he too had a paper bag over his head. “I mean, his life has been torn into pieces before his eyes. And what did his friends do about it? Nothing, except laugh at him behind his back. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to catch a plane to Uruguay.”

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑