Search

The Daily Gravy

Still crying—AISU's Only Reliable News Source

Tag

sucks

Shaun Barrowes Accidentally Makes New Single after Eating Year-Old Fiery Doritos Locos Taco from Taco Bell, Donates Proceeds to AISU Choirs and Lesser Schools

Murray, UT—On Monday, Shaun Barrowes (a singer/songwriter, famous to himself and possibly his mother), released a combination of sounds and his voice, along with someone else’s song, inside an album on Spotify called AISU Fundraiser. Every time these songs are played on this album, all proceeds go to the AISU choir program. The Daily Gravy strongly suggests opening the Spotify link in a new tab, clicking mute, and leaving it on repeat for the next month straight to support AISU’s choral program’s hoped-for trip Carnegie Hall this summer.

This act of kindness wasn’t completely out of character for Barrowes, who is known for “probably at least having his heart in the right place, most of the time.” What is seen as uncharacteristic about the act of kindness, however, is the “act” part. “We’re not used to Shaun acting [so quickly] on his good intentions,” said a person familiar with Barrowes’s previous experiences with AISU. “But we’re thankful for whatever inexplicable, supernatural forces are at work here.”

Experts, who are never satisfied with “inexplicable,” let alone “supernatural,” are still looking for a more rational explanation. Luckily for these experts, and for all of us, really, the Daily Gravy has done some of their signature detective reporting work, and has discovered what drove Barrowes to have enough work ethic to finish an entire song for AISU.

Sources reveal that somewhere in Shaun Barrowes’s “Shaun Cave” late Sunday night, the singer/songwriter was digging around in his “Shaun Fridge” when he found a leftover, partially-eaten Fiery Doritos Locos Taco from Taco Bell. Carbon dating of taco residue left in the fridge reveals that the taco was somewhere between 1 and 4 years old; in fact, scientists estimate that it may have been one of the first Fiery Doritos Locos Tacos ever sold by Taco Bell. When Shaun discovered it, there were a few bites taken out of the taco, and it is yet to be determined whether the bites were taken by Barrowes or one of the many dead wild animals found in the Shaun Cave. With that and only a few medium-sized green splotches reported to be on the half-soggy taco, Barrowes naturally ate it.

Of course, it is not unusual for Taco Bell food to be left half-eaten in the fridge. And, as typically happens when one actually finishes a meal from Taco Bell, Shaun Barrowes went into a state of delirium that overpowered his lack of responsibility and endowed him, temporarily, with the productivity of a middle-aged mother who wants her son to be an Eagle Scout but he hasn’t earned any merit badges since he was 12 and he turns 18 in just three months.

The result was the song “DragonGirl,” which Barrowes wrote and recorded in one night and got the idea to put it on Spotify and donate the proceeds to a school or institution of some kind. It was then that he noticed that the name of the song included a mascot from an institution where he once performed, though he wasn’t sure if that mascot was “Dragon” or “Girl.” After searching for some time to try to figure out which institution it could possibly be, he eventually narrowed it down to AISU, Helen Keller Elementary School, the Smile-Away Reformatory School from Phineas and Ferb, and the Autumn Park Assisted Living Center.

An advisor close to Barrowes (presumably his mother) suggested that AISU and the Smile Away Reformatory School are probably the same thing, and that residents of Autumn Park Assisted Living probably won’t know how Spotify works anyway. So Shaun Barrowes decided to make 2 separate versions of the song, both of which you should leave on mute: “DragonGirl (feat. AISU Choir)” and “DragonGirl (feat. Helen Keller Elementary School).” He put each in its own album, along with another song, “Edge of Loneliness,” which Barrowes did not write but reminded him of his feelings after consuming the Fiery Doritos Locos Taco. Barrowes also made versions for Kenyan and Filipino students, respectively, but it is being speculated that the proceeds will actually be given to these students in the form of Taco Bell food, and experts strongly advise against doing that to those innocent children.

Shaun and his mother did not respond to requests for comment, though The Daily Gravy did leave multiple messages informing them that Helen Keller Elementary is not a school for blind and deaf children, but it is yet to be seen if they will hear that clarification. In the meantime, clicking this link and keeping the spotify album on mute and on repeat and mute for the next month straight in a separate tab or window and telling others to do the same will help the AISU choirs fund their trip to Carnegie Hall. Creating multiple Spotify accounts for this purpose is not frowned upon but rather invited and glorified.

 

 

SPECIAL NOTE: ALL PROCEEDS FROM ANY PRODUCTS BOUGHT ON THE DAILY GRAVY ZAZZLE STORE WILL GO TO CARNEGIE HALL FUNDRAISING FOR AISU FROM NOW UNTIL NOV. 30!

CHECK OUT THE NEW Dragon Girl T-SHIRTS (all proceeds go to AISU’s Carnegie Hall trip, not children in 3rd world countries)!! 2 t-shirts available in any style: “I’m a AISU Dragon Girl” and “卡内基音乐厅

Advertisements

EXCLUSIVE: AISU Choirs Getting Record-Level Sucking Out in Rehearsals

Murray, UT—The American International School of Utah (AISU) choral program came into this school year with an understandable sense of uncertainty. The legend that was Ms. Erica is gone; many of the most talented students transferred or graduated; and Kelly was fired, which brought general happiness levels to an all-time low throughout the school. Needless to say, the future didn’t seem too bright for the AISU choral program.

The only thing AISU choirs really got to look forward to this year was the new choir director, Ms. Houghton. Possibly even more overqualified than Ms. Erica was for this job, Ms. Houghton reportedly taught Ms. Erica everything she knows about choral directing—and that’s a lot. However, some experts have expressed a concern: Given Ms. Houghton’s amazingness, will the choirs still be able to get as much sucking out in rehearsals?

The AISU choirs’ well-known awesomeness has long been attributed to their ability to sound downright awful during rehearsals, so that by the time a performance came along, there was no suckiness left in the performers, leaving only pleasant sounds that impressed judges.

Would a talented director like Ms. Houghton be able to get her students to suck sufficiently during rehearsals to keep this tradition going? After almost four weeks of choir, this concern has been thoroughly settled, as choir members and spectators alike have been overwhelmed by the unexpected amount of sucking the choirs have been getting out already. One choir analyst reports, “The first week of choir, both choirs were sounding really nice. They had a great sound and blended well and seemed to be picking things up really quickly. So obviously, we were really concerned. Devastated, in fact. It crushed a lot of hopes that AISU would be able to compete again.” He continues, “Luckily, by the third week, both choirs had gotten back to it and are sucking at a much more acceptable rate! Based on how much they’re sucking, there’s a good chance they won’t have any sucking left by the time they compete at the upcoming Shakespeare Festival!”

A student from the tenor section added, “I can only speak for my section, but we’ve sucked so much already! Nobody can hold a part, we can’t stay in tune, and we couldn’t find our notes if our lives depended on it. In fact, we have so much trouble finding our notes that by the time we compete at Shakespeare next week, there won’t be any notes left besides the right ones! I’ve never been more optimistic about our progress. I think our section alone has gotten more sucking out over these first two weeks than probably any choir has at AISU so far.”

Ms. Houghton also commented, saying, “To be honest, I didn’t know the AISU choirs had this much sucking in them! Erica has told me stories and everything, of course, but I thought she was exaggerating!” She added, beaming, occasionally slipping into a Boston accent. “I’ve never heard a choir who has been able to get this much sucking out in rehearsals, and I’m very proud.”

Word of all this sucking has reached competition judges, who reportedly have responded by engraving “AISU” into all of their trophies and plaques, just to save time.

 

Buy your authentic “I got all the sucking out in rehearsals” AISU Performing Arts button pin HERE (comes in various sizes) (proceeds go to preservation of future awards AISU will undoubtedly win).

Screenshot 2017-09-26 at 3.27.30 PM
Truthful and stylish

The Daily Gravy Essential Back-to-School Shopping List

It’s not too late to finish up your back-to-school shopping before the first trimester starts! Because the Daily Gravy loves you and wants what’s best for you, we have provided below the essential back-to-school shopping list for all your AISU 2017-18 school year needs! Sponsored by Wal-Mart.

 

  • Whooping cough vaccinations

After last year’s outbreak at AISU, the official slogan for pertussis vaccinations changed from “It’s worth getting autism” to the more relevant “Vaccinate your students, or you’ll get fired from your own school, Ms. Erica will leave, your brothers will also get fired, Kelly will get fired, everyone will die inside, and eventually the school you created with so much hope and potential will be converted to the new county jail.”

 

  • Academic Edgeiblity™ forms by Ekim Hpmuts

Remember last year when the school cracked down on Academic Eligibility forms, which students had to turn in before participating in school activities? Well this year, students can skip the hassle of actually achieving academic eligibility and purchase one of these new Academic Edgeibility™ forms, which teach students the important life lessons that money is more important that qualifications, that buying something is an acceptable alternative to working for it, and that anything worth having is worth paying for (not figuratively but in a literal, monetary sense). Who knows, someday our students may apply these lessons and become President of the United States.

 

  • Crayons

No school year is complete without this classic necessity. Although AISU is mostly Chromebook-based, crayons are still important for scribbling cryptic images on the walls and drawing stick figures of your favorite staff members for them to hang on their refrigerators at home.

 

  • Kelly

Everybody knows that no school year would be complete without our favorite Kelly Casaday. He is by far the most important item on this list.

 

  • 3 extra Chromebook chargers

Because you’ll lose one of them, one of them is going to break, and one will probably be stolen by your creepy neighbor’s garden gnomes.

 

unnamed
Give fashion a try™

Show your love for (almost) everyone’s favorite superduperintendent and turn heads with this fashionable attire! Available in a variety of custom clothing items on zazzle.com (note: choose a dark color for best results). Get the t-shirt HERE. All proceeds go to Zazzle and the Find the Farleys charity program. (Or get a less stylish, discounted version HERE, if your love for Mike Farley is bound by monetary restrictions).

 

  • Edible food

Without Greg as our head lunch lady, school lunches are sure to be extra-inedible this coming year. Get ahead of the game by purchasing your own edible food, such as hot Cheetos and Coca-Cola.

 

This concludes the Daily Gravy’s essential back-to-school shopping list. Failure to purchase any of these items, and the attendant consequences, are now squarely on you.

Student Petition to the School Board AND TOWN HALL MEETING THURSDAY AT 7PM MURRAY LIBRARY EVERYONE WELCOME

If you want to make your voice be heard regarding the unjust termination of great people such as Mike Farley, Steve Farley, Greg Farley (Steve’s clone who worked as a lunch lady), and Kelly Casaday, you now have a great means to do so. Join your fellow students in voicing their disappointment in decisions made by the AISU board of directors in a cool and productive way.

Follow this link to the student petition: Students’ Petition (Conceived and Written by Students)

Note: Mike Farley and all other adults mentioned have no knowledge of the writing of this petition.

 

Also, if you are a parent, sign this petition: Parent Petition (written and conceived by parents)

If you are neither of these, but care about Mike and Steve and Greg and Kelly a great deal, sign either one. I don’t care. No matter who you are, though please do not sign both. We want this to be as honest and legal of a process as possible, as boring as that is. If you are a student AND a parent (we won’t judge), I guess you can sign both. Otherwise, stay honest please.

IMPORTANT UPDATE:

THERE WILL BE A TOWN HALL Q&A WITH MIKE FARLEY, WHO WILL, WITH A LEGAL INFORMANT, BE ANSWERING ANY QUESTIONS THAT YOU, STUDENTS, PARENTS, OR UNCONNECTED COMMUNITY MEMBERS, MAY HAVE.

IT WILL BE AT 7:00 PM MOUNTAIN TIME, THURSDAY JULY 6, AT THE MURRAY LIBRARY (166 E. 5300 S., Murray UT, 84107).

SEE PICTURE FOR MORE DETAILS.

20170701_205202109_iOS

 

BREAKING: Pleasant Grove Madrigals to Perform Same Piece as AISU Madrigals for Shakespeare Competition

AISU–According to information leaked to the Gravy, Pleasant Grove High School’s main performance piece for the upcoming Utah Shakespeare Festival will be “Il Est Bel Et Bon,” a piece familiar to the AISU Madrigals, because it’s also the finale piece AISU is planning to perform at the same festival.

 

Experts are calling it “a classic case of the if-you-can’t-beat-them-imitate-them strategy,” as Pleasant Grove was a perennial winner at the Shakespeare Madrigals Competition until last year, when newcomer AISU took first place.

 

Renaissance fans expected AISU to win the Madrigals Competition once again this year due to the difficulty level of “Il Est Bel Et Bon,” but now that it has become public knowledge that Pleasant Grove will also perform this piece, fans are concerned that AISU may actually have to put serious effort into the piece.

 

The news has also created a sense of urgency among AISU Madrigals, though they remain confident in their patented “get all the sucking out in rehearsal” technique. “This technique is exactly what earned us first place last year, and we’ve been following it to the letter up to this point,” AISU tenor Aathaven Tharmarajah said. “There’s no way anyone has gotten more sucking out than we have.”

 

“We even held a Saturday rehearsal last week,” an anonymous AISU alto added. “I wasn’t there, but I’m sure whoever attended got a whole lot of sucking out.”

 

Some members are less confident, however. “I’m not sure we’ve gotten enough sucking out during rehearsals to be the best we can be,” said AISU baritone Jarron Carlson. “I mean, we’ve definitely sucked a lot, but I feel like there’s so much more sucking we still need to get out. I just think we should all take it to the next level by singing poorly at home, during our free time, if that’s what it takes to be the best.”

 

In an attempt to increase their level of rehearsal sucking, AISU Madrigals have been holding lunchtime rehearsals since the school year started. The strategy appears to be to force singers into an involuntary fast, which experts say not only increases the spirituality of the choir but also allows the singers to rehearse on empty stomachs, thus enabling them to suck even more.

 

For their part, Pleasant Grove officials have not yet leaked any further information about the competition, and repeated attempts by the Gravy to trick them into divulging something have been unsuccessful. AISU’s Madrigals have said that whatever happens, they will stick to the original plan of performing “Il Est Bel Et Bon” and “freaking winning.” They will also be getting extra sucking out over the weekend individually and are planning on having all of the sucking out by the Shakespeare Festival Competition on October 6–8. The AISU Madrigals will also visit the State Capitol building to showcase their pieces Monday, October 3.

A Tribute Article to AISU’s Class of 2016: See You Next Year! Oh, Wait. Never Mind.

AISU—Tonight, AISU seniors who have earned all necessary credits will graduate and receive a one-way ticket to the “real world.” The question rises, however, about what these new adults will do with their newfound freedom mingled with burdensome responsibilities. Many graduating seniors (some after a “gap year” or an LDS mission) are choosing to go to a university or mental institution, but more adventurous students have other plans. Some of the post–high school plans of these adventurous students (whose names have been changed to protect the innocent) include:

 

Alex Thomasson: Train to become a professional goofball for Google, Inc.

 

Tristan Pill: Open a “Happy Hip-Hop Homies” all-girls dance academy

 

Pherica Air: Start a nonprofit dedicated to teaching underprivileged wild animals how to paint pictures of lollipops and bubblegum for their mothers

 

Ostrich Huntergaard: Train Alex Thomasson to become professional goofball

 

Java-ier: Win 50 consecutive People’s Choice Awards and beat Trump in the 2016 election.

 

BeLisa Hoax: Start planning reunions

 

Eon Hair: Start planning to not attend reunions

 

Sandra Bagstaff: Become a civil rights activist for the vertically challenged

 

Silly Narsden: Start a classical metal band called “Beethovenian Beelzebub” or “Baroquen Mirrors” or “My Chemical Romantic Era” or something like that

 

Salutatorian: Become the best and most popular inspirational speaker in the history of the world

 

Valedictorian: Get all teeth knocked out ASAP

 

The AISU Daily Gravy wishes luck, happiness, and free cars to this year’s graduating seniors. Good luck to all of you with this whole “life” thing. It can be pretty tough sometimes. Luckily for you, though, you don’t have to endure through the birthing pains of AISU 3.0, so you should consider yourselves extremely lucky. You really dodged an enormous, exploding, kryptonite bullet by graduating this year. We all envy you for that. We love you guys, and we hope to see you again often down the road. Good luck and be happy! Go rock at whatever it is you’re going to be doing! Way to be!
Lots of love, the Daily Gravy

Mr. Farley Opts Entire State of Utah Out of SAGE Testing Because “It’s Really Dumb”

Daily Headline – 5/16/16

Education Expert Visits AISU, Dies of Laughter, Posthumously Implements 3.0 Changes

AISU – On Wednesday, April 13, an “education innovations” expert, Phil Phredrickson, visited the American International School of Utah to evaluate the school both academically and ultra-academically, and to implement changes if necessary. However, immediately after shadowing the Physics class, Phredrickson dropped to the ground in laughter, eventually choking and ceasing to have life.

 

After it was confirmed that Phredrickson was in fact dead, AISU administration released a statement outlining Phredrickson’s recommended changes for AISU’s 3rd year, calling them “otherwise ridiculous” suggestions that “we never would have considered had they not been ordered by a dead man.”

 

Among the suggested changes are a new A/B day schedule with 80-minute classes, two high school lunches, a longer school day, replacing pencils with crayons, removing all chairs, and replacing all notebooks with rolls of toilet paper. An anonymous administration member said that he believes the changes will be good for the school, because he discussed them with his 6th great-grandson in series of dreams and blackouts in dark alleys. Others are doubtful, claiming that the changes “only make sense if you have been in constant contact with the dead for the past few years.” Overall, the school’s official statement asserts that the implementations will improve the school in the long run, but that they will “take some getting used to” and “will suck pretty bad for the next four decades.”

 

Phredrickson did not respond to our requests for comment, but the anonymous administration member offered to contact him for us, although we weren’t sure if he was talking to us, because his eyes were rolled back and his head was turned all the way around. The school will have an informational meeting about the changes on Tuesday at 7:00 on Saturn’s 6th moon, where a watermelon hosting Phredrickson’s disembodied ghost will be speaking. LSD will be served as a complimentary refreshment beforehand.

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑