Search

The Daily Gravy

Still crying—AISU's Only Reliable News Source

Tag

Truth

Shaun Barrowes Accidentally Makes New Single after Eating Year-Old Fiery Doritos Locos Taco from Taco Bell, Donates Proceeds to AISU Choirs and Lesser Schools

Murray, UT—On Monday, Shaun Barrowes (a singer/songwriter, famous to himself and possibly his mother), released a combination of sounds and his voice, along with someone else’s song, inside an album on Spotify called AISU Fundraiser. Every time these songs are played on this album, all proceeds go to the AISU choir program. The Daily Gravy strongly suggests opening the Spotify link in a new tab, clicking mute, and leaving it on repeat for the next month straight to support AISU’s choral program’s hoped-for trip Carnegie Hall this summer.

This act of kindness wasn’t completely out of character for Barrowes, who is known for “probably at least having his heart in the right place, most of the time.” What is seen as uncharacteristic about the act of kindness, however, is the “act” part. “We’re not used to Shaun acting [so quickly] on his good intentions,” said a person familiar with Barrowes’s previous experiences with AISU. “But we’re thankful for whatever inexplicable, supernatural forces are at work here.”

Experts, who are never satisfied with “inexplicable,” let alone “supernatural,” are still looking for a more rational explanation. Luckily for these experts, and for all of us, really, the Daily Gravy has done some of their signature detective reporting work, and has discovered what drove Barrowes to have enough work ethic to finish an entire song for AISU.

Sources reveal that somewhere in Shaun Barrowes’s “Shaun Cave” late Sunday night, the singer/songwriter was digging around in his “Shaun Fridge” when he found a leftover, partially-eaten Fiery Doritos Locos Taco from Taco Bell. Carbon dating of taco residue left in the fridge reveals that the taco was somewhere between 1 and 4 years old; in fact, scientists estimate that it may have been one of the first Fiery Doritos Locos Tacos ever sold by Taco Bell. When Shaun discovered it, there were a few bites taken out of the taco, and it is yet to be determined whether the bites were taken by Barrowes or one of the many dead wild animals found in the Shaun Cave. With that and only a few medium-sized green splotches reported to be on the half-soggy taco, Barrowes naturally ate it.

Of course, it is not unusual for Taco Bell food to be left half-eaten in the fridge. And, as typically happens when one actually finishes a meal from Taco Bell, Shaun Barrowes went into a state of delirium that overpowered his lack of responsibility and endowed him, temporarily, with the productivity of a middle-aged mother who wants her son to be an Eagle Scout but he hasn’t earned any merit badges since he was 12 and he turns 18 in just three months.

The result was the song “DragonGirl,” which Barrowes wrote and recorded in one night and got the idea to put it on Spotify and donate the proceeds to a school or institution of some kind. It was then that he noticed that the name of the song included a mascot from an institution where he once performed, though he wasn’t sure if that mascot was “Dragon” or “Girl.” After searching for some time to try to figure out which institution it could possibly be, he eventually narrowed it down to AISU, Helen Keller Elementary School, the Smile-Away Reformatory School from Phineas and Ferb, and the Autumn Park Assisted Living Center.

An advisor close to Barrowes (presumably his mother) suggested that AISU and the Smile Away Reformatory School are probably the same thing, and that residents of Autumn Park Assisted Living probably won’t know how Spotify works anyway. So Shaun Barrowes decided to make 2 separate versions of the song, both of which you should leave on mute: “DragonGirl (feat. AISU Choir)” and “DragonGirl (feat. Helen Keller Elementary School).” He put each in its own album, along with another song, “Edge of Loneliness,” which Barrowes did not write but reminded him of his feelings after consuming the Fiery Doritos Locos Taco. Barrowes also made versions for Kenyan and Filipino students, respectively, but it is being speculated that the proceeds will actually be given to these students in the form of Taco Bell food, and experts strongly advise against doing that to those innocent children.

Shaun and his mother did not respond to requests for comment, though The Daily Gravy did leave multiple messages informing them that Helen Keller Elementary is not a school for blind and deaf children, but it is yet to be seen if they will hear that clarification. In the meantime, clicking this link and keeping the spotify album on mute and on repeat and mute for the next month straight in a separate tab or window and telling others to do the same will help the AISU choirs fund their trip to Carnegie Hall. Creating multiple Spotify accounts for this purpose is not frowned upon but rather invited and glorified.

 

 

SPECIAL NOTE: ALL PROCEEDS FROM ANY PRODUCTS BOUGHT ON THE DAILY GRAVY ZAZZLE STORE WILL GO TO CARNEGIE HALL FUNDRAISING FOR AISU FROM NOW UNTIL NOV. 30!

CHECK OUT THE NEW Dragon Girl T-SHIRTS (all proceeds go to AISU’s Carnegie Hall trip, not children in 3rd world countries)!! 2 t-shirts available in any style: “I’m a AISU Dragon Girl” and “卡内基音乐厅

Advertisements

EXCLUSIVE: AISU Choirs Getting Record-Level Sucking Out in Rehearsals

Murray, UT—The American International School of Utah (AISU) choral program came into this school year with an understandable sense of uncertainty. The legend that was Ms. Erica is gone; many of the most talented students transferred or graduated; and Kelly was fired, which brought general happiness levels to an all-time low throughout the school. Needless to say, the future didn’t seem too bright for the AISU choral program.

The only thing AISU choirs really got to look forward to this year was the new choir director, Ms. Houghton. Possibly even more overqualified than Ms. Erica was for this job, Ms. Houghton reportedly taught Ms. Erica everything she knows about choral directing—and that’s a lot. However, some experts have expressed a concern: Given Ms. Houghton’s amazingness, will the choirs still be able to get as much sucking out in rehearsals?

The AISU choirs’ well-known awesomeness has long been attributed to their ability to sound downright awful during rehearsals, so that by the time a performance came along, there was no suckiness left in the performers, leaving only pleasant sounds that impressed judges.

Would a talented director like Ms. Houghton be able to get her students to suck sufficiently during rehearsals to keep this tradition going? After almost four weeks of choir, this concern has been thoroughly settled, as choir members and spectators alike have been overwhelmed by the unexpected amount of sucking the choirs have been getting out already. One choir analyst reports, “The first week of choir, both choirs were sounding really nice. They had a great sound and blended well and seemed to be picking things up really quickly. So obviously, we were really concerned. Devastated, in fact. It crushed a lot of hopes that AISU would be able to compete again.” He continues, “Luckily, by the third week, both choirs had gotten back to it and are sucking at a much more acceptable rate! Based on how much they’re sucking, there’s a good chance they won’t have any sucking left by the time they compete at the upcoming Shakespeare Festival!”

A student from the tenor section added, “I can only speak for my section, but we’ve sucked so much already! Nobody can hold a part, we can’t stay in tune, and we couldn’t find our notes if our lives depended on it. In fact, we have so much trouble finding our notes that by the time we compete at Shakespeare next week, there won’t be any notes left besides the right ones! I’ve never been more optimistic about our progress. I think our section alone has gotten more sucking out over these first two weeks than probably any choir has at AISU so far.”

Ms. Houghton also commented, saying, “To be honest, I didn’t know the AISU choirs had this much sucking in them! Erica has told me stories and everything, of course, but I thought she was exaggerating!” She added, beaming, occasionally slipping into a Boston accent. “I’ve never heard a choir who has been able to get this much sucking out in rehearsals, and I’m very proud.”

Word of all this sucking has reached competition judges, who reportedly have responded by engraving “AISU” into all of their trophies and plaques, just to save time.

 

Buy your authentic “I got all the sucking out in rehearsals” AISU Performing Arts button pin HERE (comes in various sizes) (proceeds go to preservation of future awards AISU will undoubtedly win).

Screenshot 2017-09-26 at 3.27.30 PM
Truthful and stylish

NOTICE: Mark Smith Threatens AISU Staff, Students, and Parents With Termination if They Don’t Play This Song For Him Everytime He’s Nearby.

He prefers the disco version, but the house & radio versions are also acceptable.

Make sure to play this for him every time he’s in earshot, unless you want to get terminated—which we wouldn’t blame you for, except Mr. Huish and Dr. Sarah are worth staying for, and we’re not sure exactly how literal the word “termination” is in this case. It’s probably best if you bookmark the page.

The Daily Gravy Fact Checker, Vol. 1

The Daily Gravy Fact Checker is a fact checker that checks “facts” that have anything to do with AISU, someone currently or once affiliated with AISU, or something said in the vicinity of AISU and overheard by someone at AISU. These “facts” are checked through a vigorous scientific checking process that you wouldn’t understand. So let’s get on with it:

1. Ex-superduperintendent (and hopefully future superduperintendent) Mike Farley said in his town hall Q&A that the school will still survive and will continue to be a place that fosters creativity, talent, and bad cafeteria food. The Daily Gravy Fact Checker has determined this to be a PARTIAL LIE. The Daily Gravy has confirmed on multiple occasions that AISU will likely not survive, especially without Mike Farley, and that it will definitely stop fostering creativity and talent. Professional statistics and stuff show that, without Mike Farley (let alone Kelly Casaday, Steve Farley, and Steve’s clone, Greg), AISU is on the path to becoming very similar to the Smile Away Reformatory School from Phineas and Ferb, except with a better performing arts program, assuming Dr. Sarah doesn’t jump ship. It is true, however, that the cafeteria food will continue to be bad, most likely.

2. Russell Westbrook, the 2017 NBA MVP, claims that he once used an AISU toenail clipper (designed and created by AISU legend Kelly Casaday) to clip his the nails of his Maltese The Brodie. The Daily Gravy Fact Checker has determined this to be a TRUTH. First off, why would Russell Westbrook lie about that? Secondly, we’ve seen pictures of The Brodie, and that toenail perfection can only be achieved by the unique clipping capabilities of the exclusive AISU toenail clipper.

image.png
Russell Westbrook and his Maltese, The Brodie. That toenail perfection can only be achieved with the limited-edition AISU toenail clipper.

3. A member of the school board claimed during a recent community meeting that neither she nor the rest of the school board knew that the minutes of the board meetings were not being posted online. She also claimed that she had recently brushed her teeth. The Daily Gravy Fact Checker has determined this to be a BLATANT DOUBLE LIE. The Daily Gravy has sent multiple ambassadors to AISU board of directors meetings since December 2016 for the sole purpose of informing them that their minutes had not been posted online, even though this is both customary and required by law. Though the meetings were nearly impossible to attend (thanks to the illegal uncooperativeness of the school board), and the board was not very good at listening to our information, our loyal and intrepid representatives (caring parents of students) are true warriors, so they somehow attended the meetings anyway and got the message to the board multiple times. It is therefore impossible for the board not to have known that the minutes were not being posted. Also, it is common knowledge that the board prioritizes the students’ well-being over basic dental hygiene, and since they have definitely not been focusing on students’ well-being at all over the past several months, there is no possible way they could have even touched their Oral-B Pro 7000 SmartSeries Black Electronic Power Rechargeable Toothbrush with Bluetooth Connectivity Powered by Braun yet.

4. AISU luminary Mike Farley has said that he cares deeply for the students and staff and administration members and wants more than anything to see us succeed. The Daily Gravy Fact Checker has determined this to be a TRUTH. In fact, truer words have never been said.

5. Rudy Gobert, the best center in the NBA and an acknowledged Frenchman, hoping to revive the spirits of the AISU community while they witness AISU’s downfall, plans to purchase AISU in the near future and immediately reinstate the Farleys and Kelly. The Daily Gravy Fact Checker has determined this to be CURRENTLY INDISCERNIBLE, BUT HOPEFULLY TRUE. Sometimes, all you have is hope. And at those times, you must cling tenaciously to that hope, slim though it may be. If this does happen, though, it is almost certain that Gobert will rename AISU “the Rudy Gobert School of French, Blocking Shots, and Cryptic Hair Designs” or “RGSFBSCHD” for short. It is also widely believed that the new name will not change how the school operates, except that it is likely to place greater emphasis on not doing stupid things. So far, Gobert has been reticent when asked whether he plans to buy AISU, in some cases denying that he has ever heard of the school. However, the Daily Gravy Fact Checker has confirmed that during a recent, supposedly unrelated press conference, Gobert clearly blinked at exactly the 49.98 second mark and then nodded his head slightly. This subtle but undeniable hint is what the AISU community is currently hitching its hopes to. Yep, that’s the state of things.

This has been the Daily Gravy Fact Checker, Vol. 1. If you or your diabetic gecko have anything pertaining to AISU or not pertaining to AISU that you want checked for facts, email us at askgravy@gmail.com. If you cannot email us because you have PTSD from the urgent alone email thread or the sitting-on-the-floor email thread, you may comment below. Thank you.

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑