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Student Petition to the School Board AND TOWN HALL MEETING THURSDAY AT 7PM MURRAY LIBRARY EVERYONE WELCOME

If you want to make your voice be heard regarding the unjust termination of great people such as Mike Farley, Steve Farley, Greg Farley (Steve’s clone who worked as a lunch lady), and Kelly Casaday, you now have a great means to do so. Join your fellow students in voicing their disappointment in decisions made by the AISU board of directors in a cool and productive way.

Follow this link to the student petition: Students’ Petition (Conceived and Written by Students)

Note: Mike Farley and all other adults mentioned have no knowledge of the writing of this petition.

 

Also, if you are a parent, sign this petition: Parent Petition (written and conceived by parents)

If you are neither of these, but care about Mike and Steve and Greg and Kelly a great deal, sign either one. I don’t care. No matter who you are, though please do not sign both. We want this to be as honest and legal of a process as possible, as boring as that is. If you are a student AND a parent (we won’t judge), I guess you can sign both. Otherwise, stay honest please.

IMPORTANT UPDATE:

THERE WILL BE A TOWN HALL Q&A WITH MIKE FARLEY, WHO WILL, WITH A LEGAL INFORMANT, BE ANSWERING ANY QUESTIONS THAT YOU, STUDENTS, PARENTS, OR UNCONNECTED COMMUNITY MEMBERS, MAY HAVE.

IT WILL BE AT 7:00 PM MOUNTAIN TIME, THURSDAY JULY 6, AT THE MURRAY LIBRARY (166 E. 5300 S., Murray UT, 84107).

SEE PICTURE FOR MORE DETAILS.

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AISU’s Whooping Cough Epidemic AKA “The Plague”

AISU—The American International School of Utah (AISU) has recently been plagued by a strong case of the whooping cough. Doctors describe whooping cough as a rare cough that is potentially more harmful than a regular cough because it causes victims to make a high-pitched “whoop!” sound that doctors find very annoying. Victims are often denied treatment as a result. “I can’t stand it,” one doctor admitted. “It’s worse than fingernails on a chalkboard. So when someone comes to my office and starts whooping, I just make them leave. Sometimes, on their way out, I prescribe an addictive pain killer they don’t need, just to get even.”

Nobody wants that, so school officials have warned students who are not vaccinated against whooping cough to stay home. This decision has fanned the flames of the already-raging debate between parents who believe vaccinations are good because they eradicate deadly diseases and parents who believe vaccinations are part of an elaborate government conspiracy to give everyone autism. It now appears that the vaccinations are also part of a conspiracy to force children to go to school even though people around them will be coughing and making irritating whooping sounds.

AISU’s epidemic has caught the attention of the ever-attentive social media, including a surprising number of gofundme pages for the school, hundreds of Facebook profile pictures that have been changed to little boxes that say “whoops, AISU’s got a cough :-(“, and even a pity-following for the AISU memes page.

However, the most noticeable attention AISU has gotten for being sick has come from Whoopi Goldberg, the inventor of whooping cough. Whoopi tagged AISU in a recent tweet, saying, “When you cough on someone in school, you hope they’ll get sick and cough on someone else. And it’ll become like a wildfire.” Whoopi then added a more personal message: “Congrats to AISU students who didn’t get vaccinations and get to stay home from school! No vaccinations = more vacations!”

AISU to Host Cleveland Browns in Homecoming Football Game

AISU—The American International School of Utah (AISU) will be holding its first annual homecoming dance today, as part of the school’s ongoing effort to “be sort of like all the other high schools, but not in the good ways.” Despite this effort, plans for the school’s homecoming festivities did not originally include one of America’s most popular high school traditions:  a homecoming football game. Hours before the dance, however, AISU announced that they will be hosting a game after all, against the NFL’s Cleveland Browns.

 

The announcement came as a surprise to many AISU students, mainly because AISU does not have a football team or a football field. School officials explained that  the team will consist of the same 10–15 students who make up the school’s men’s basketball, baseball, and volleyball teams every year, as well as staff and administration members who are interested in “boosting school spirit.”

 

The Browns have yet to announce a starting quarterback for today’s game, but analysts expect either Francis the Talking Mule or Elmo’s goldfish, Dorothy, to get the nod. AISU’s starting QB will be a game-time decision, likely depending on  who shows up. Although AISU is hoping for high levels of participation from students in the game, they have listed Uncle Rico as a backup QB, just in case students find playing against the Browns to be incredibly boring.

 

With the announcement, AISU officials hope to defuse widespread criticism of its homecoming plans, which was being mocked by students and mockingbirds alike because of the glaring omission of a football game. Snapchatters and Instagrammars have been quoted as saying, “Hi, I’m AISU, and I’m trying to have homecoming without a football game because I enjoy demolishing American traditions, huuhhhh!” before the announcement today.

 

However, even after the game was announced, critics and students have maintained their “rude ‘tude,” noting that while the Cleveland Browns technically do play football, they don’t play it particularly well. “I mean, I get that you’re supposed to schedule an easy win for the homecoming game,” one student observed. “But really? The Browns? While we’re at it, why don’t we replace all of our advanced literature classes with dramatic readings of The Cat in the Hat? … Hmmm. Now that I say that out loud, I kind of like the idea.”

 

The Browns have yet to comment on these remarks, but experts have said that “they’re used to it.” AISU has only responded in the form of stock photos of doctors shrugging, although the Language Arts department is reportedly looking into the Cat in the Hat suggestion. The AISU Homecoming game will begin at 4:00 p.m. MDT. The location is still to be determined, though Mr. Justis has offered the use of his backyard, as long as he has time to remove the lawn gnomes first. For live updates and a play-by-play of the game, follow @aisugravy on Twitter or scroll to the bottom of this page and look to the right side.

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