By Anonymous Guest Writer #741
AISU—Animal Control was called late Monday evening to stem a so-called “frightening snake infection” at AISU. However, after a thorough search, the Animal Control officers concluded that no reptiles (including students) were present anywhere in the school, thanking the caller for this “enormous waste of time.”
Despite these findings, many students continue to insist that the school is literally crawling with reptiles, especially in the bathroom, a known favorite hangout of snakes. One student described the intruders as “about three to four feet long, with bright-colored stripes, usually red and yellow, and long fangs.” Another student, interviewed when leaving the boys’ restroom, said “I’ve never seen any snakes. But that would explain why there’s always so much screaming in there. The screams… They tear apart my very soul… The screams… Make them stop.”
“There are definitely snakes in there,” a student reported after leaving the girls’ restroom. When informed of this assertion, a representative from Animal Control said, “No there aren’t,” to which the student replied, “Yes, there are.” Animal Control then released this official statement: “Nu-uh.” The student responded with an official statement of her own: “Yeah-huh.”
While there is no photographic or video evidence of any snakes, there are also no surveillance cameras in the bathrooms, so other than the productive debate between Animal Control and AISU students, the investigation has reached a standstill.
Aspiring herpetologists and amateur snake enthusiasts in the high school have begun search parties to find and rescue these elusive reptiles and release them into the untamed wilderness of Murray City. While these groups have been criticized by peers and janitorial staff with such harsh insults as “They’re just wasting their time; there are no snakes”—an impressive retort in that it uses correctly in one sentence each spelling of “they’re/their/there”—most students agree that their noble efforts to rid the school of these pests are no joking matter.
A spokesperson from one of the search parties, known as Snake Search, gave the Gravy the following letter written in red ink that may actually be blood:
“An update on the snake situation:
“There are definitely snakes. There is no doubt about it. You may not be able to see them or hear them, but they are there. Some of you may be wondering, why the bathrooms? Why not my STEM classroom? But that is unimportant.
“The snakes are probably breeding in any and all restrooms marked ‘out of order.’ If you are attacked by a snake, stay still and silent and observe its behaviors. Report the snake sighting to a member of the Snake Search immediately. If you are bitten, you may as well stop making any long-term goals for your future or showering, for all is lost.”
When the letter was brought to the school’s principal for comment, he shook his head, and after a long pause, said, “This isn’t seriously still going on, is it? I mean, April Fools’ Day was ages ago.” Mr. Smith then laughed nervously and returned to his office.
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