Murray, UT—The American International School of Utah (AISU) choral program came into this school year with an understandable sense of uncertainty. The legend that was Ms. Erica is gone; many of the most talented students transferred or graduated; and Kelly was fired, which brought general happiness levels to an all-time low throughout the school. Needless to say, the future didn’t seem too bright for the AISU choral program.
The only thing AISU choirs really got to look forward to this year was the new choir director, Ms. Houghton. Possibly even more overqualified than Ms. Erica was for this job, Ms. Houghton reportedly taught Ms. Erica everything she knows about choral directing—and that’s a lot. However, some experts have expressed a concern: Given Ms. Houghton’s amazingness, will the choirs still be able to get as much sucking out in rehearsals?
The AISU choirs’ well-known awesomeness has long been attributed to their ability to sound downright awful during rehearsals, so that by the time a performance came along, there was no suckiness left in the performers, leaving only pleasant sounds that impressed judges.
Would a talented director like Ms. Houghton be able to get her students to suck sufficiently during rehearsals to keep this tradition going? After almost four weeks of choir, this concern has been thoroughly settled, as choir members and spectators alike have been overwhelmed by the unexpected amount of sucking the choirs have been getting out already. One choir analyst reports, “The first week of choir, both choirs were sounding really nice. They had a great sound and blended well and seemed to be picking things up really quickly. So obviously, we were really concerned. Devastated, in fact. It crushed a lot of hopes that AISU would be able to compete again.” He continues, “Luckily, by the third week, both choirs had gotten back to it and are sucking at a much more acceptable rate! Based on how much they’re sucking, there’s a good chance they won’t have any sucking left by the time they compete at the upcoming Shakespeare Festival!”
A student from the tenor section added, “I can only speak for my section, but we’ve sucked so much already! Nobody can hold a part, we can’t stay in tune, and we couldn’t find our notes if our lives depended on it. In fact, we have so much trouble finding our notes that by the time we compete at Shakespeare next week, there won’t be any notes left besides the right ones! I’ve never been more optimistic about our progress. I think our section alone has gotten more sucking out over these first two weeks than probably any choir has at AISU so far.”
Ms. Houghton also commented, saying, “To be honest, I didn’t know the AISU choirs had this much sucking in them! Erica has told me stories and everything, of course, but I thought she was exaggerating!” She added, beaming, occasionally slipping into a Boston accent. “I’ve never heard a choir who has been able to get this much sucking out in rehearsals, and I’m very proud.”
Word of all this sucking has reached competition judges, who reportedly have responded by engraving “AISU” into all of their trophies and plaques, just to save time.
Buy your authentic “I got all the sucking out in rehearsals” AISU Performing Arts button pin HERE (comes in various sizes) (proceeds go to preservation of future awards AISU will undoubtedly win).
The Daily Gravy 