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Student Petition to the School Board AND TOWN HALL MEETING THURSDAY AT 7PM MURRAY LIBRARY EVERYONE WELCOME

If you want to make your voice be heard regarding the unjust termination of great people such as Mike Farley, Steve Farley, Greg Farley (Steve’s clone who worked as a lunch lady), and Kelly Casaday, you now have a great means to do so. Join your fellow students in voicing their disappointment in decisions made by the AISU board of directors in a cool and productive way.

Follow this link to the student petition: Students’ Petition (Conceived and Written by Students)

Note: Mike Farley and all other adults mentioned have no knowledge of the writing of this petition.

 

Also, if you are a parent, sign this petition: Parent Petition (written and conceived by parents)

If you are neither of these, but care about Mike and Steve and Greg and Kelly a great deal, sign either one. I don’t care. No matter who you are, though please do not sign both. We want this to be as honest and legal of a process as possible, as boring as that is. If you are a student AND a parent (we won’t judge), I guess you can sign both. Otherwise, stay honest please.

IMPORTANT UPDATE:

THERE WILL BE A TOWN HALL Q&A WITH MIKE FARLEY, WHO WILL, WITH A LEGAL INFORMANT, BE ANSWERING ANY QUESTIONS THAT YOU, STUDENTS, PARENTS, OR UNCONNECTED COMMUNITY MEMBERS, MAY HAVE.

IT WILL BE AT 7:00 PM MOUNTAIN TIME, THURSDAY JULY 6, AT THE MURRAY LIBRARY (166 E. 5300 S., Murray UT, 84107).

SEE PICTURE FOR MORE DETAILS.

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As Ms. Erica’s News Finally Starts to Sink in, AISU Holds Its Breath and Takes a Look Ahead

AISU—As everyone outside of the North Korean prison camps and parts of Communist Cuba knows by now, The Erica Glenn will not be returning to teach choir or direct the performing arts at AISU next year. Ms. Erica has been chosen by Arizona State University (that’s ASU, or AISU without I) to receive the largest scholarship ASU has ever offered, take over the ASU women’s chorus, become a goddess, and pursue her education in choral conducting, all while ASU pays her to do it. Ms. Erica has somehow chosen this over her loving, procrastinating, get-all-the-sucking-out-in-rehearsals (but also sometimes in the performance) middle and high school students. The coin she flipped to make this decision was probably weighted somehow by those heckin ASU people.

Ms. Erica has always been incredibly overqualified for the job she held at AISU, but has used her overqualifications and otherworldly connections to make AISU what it is today: a school that, despite failing miserably at everything, somehow succeeds tremendously at the performing arts.

Because of Ms. Erica, AISU’s performing arts program has had the opportunity to perform with incredible musicians and influential figures such as Erica Glenn. Almost as valuable were opportunities to perform with Dallyn Bayles, Kurt Bestor, Aaron Kenny, That One Guy, and other amazing people, as well as some people who weren’t that amazing but are possibly sort of well-known-ish maybe. Ms. Erica led AISU’s performing arts to undeservingly win countless competitions and awards, from the Utah Shakespearean Festival to the Kurt Bestor Competition to State Music Festivals/Competitions and many more.

Ms. Erica has stuck with AISU’s choirs in times of trial and hardship, usually caused by AISU’s choirs, and helped the choirs get through the hard times and make something of it. From the first showcase for the school during week zero to the latest regional music competition, Ms. Erica didn’t give up on her students (and also probably bribed the judges at regions), and practiced them into being better and slightly more deserving of their accomplishments.

There was a time when AISUers asked hypothetically, almost with a chuckle, “What would AISU be without Ms. Erica?” Now the school must face the horrifying reality: “What will AISU be without Ms. Erica?” And no one is laughing. Truly the school will not be the same without Ms. Erica, who is arguably responsible for all successes and improvements AISU has ever had. In fact, it may well be that without Ms. Erica, AISU becomes, to most observers—including those in Communist Cuba—merely “that school that had the whooping cough outbreak.”

Many students and staff members are expecting AISU to completely shut down not long after Ms. Erica’s announcement. However, in what experts are calling a surprising and risky move, school officials recently announced that AISU will not go hide under a rock somewhere and cry itself to sleep. Instead, plans are to stagger along like a crippled dog and whimper occasionally. Bets on how many days or hours AISU will survive after Ms. Glenn leaves have been circulating throughout the school. Las Vegas has officially placed the over-under at one hour, with most people eagerly taking the under, while others optimistically insist it will last as many as 90 minutes. In anticipation, many staff members and students have already begun looking for greener pastures, such as the Utah Department of Corrections or Alcatraz.

However, some students have a more positive outlook, especially with the news we just received that Ms. Erica’s friend Ms. Sarah will be taking over in Ms. Erica’s place. Ms. Sarah has an impressive resume, and many AISU students hope that she is actually just Ms. Erica in disguise and this whole thing was an elaborate prank gone wrong.

Despite the sense of optimism about Ms. Sarah, Arizona State has reported record numbers of applicants in the past few days, including several AISU students who are nowhere close to graduating. Some students have speculated that this was ASU’s plan all along, and that the school has terminated the recruitment manager, unofficially giving that title to Ms. Erica. In related news, local surgical clinics have reported a sudden increase in men-to-women gender change operations, a trend that is striking similar to the recent increase in the number of audition requests for ASU’s women’s choir.

Ms. Erica has done more for AISU than anyone can ever repay her, and she’ll do the same for ASU. One day, when she is conducting the Mormon Tabernacle Choir or something bigger than that (which is hard to imagine, but then, we once thought the same about the AISU gig), as well as singing every part by herself, and taking whatever she does to unimaginable heights, the one consolation for her former AISU students will be that we can say, with a smile on our face and a song in our heart, “We heard it here first.”

Beatles’ “Yesterday” Also Written About Ms. Erica

STILL CRYING, CAN’T WRITE CONTENT; HERE IS LYRICS:

Yesterday all my troubles seemed so far away.
Now it looks as though they’re here to stay.
Oh, I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly I’m not half the man I used to be.
There’s a shadow hanging over me.
Oh, yesterday came suddenly.

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Why she had to go, I don’t know, she didn’t say. [she did say, actually]
I did something wrong [actually she says I didn’t do anything wrong, but she was offered a job that she isn’t super overqualified for, as well as full ride to ASU, but still], now I long for yesterday.

Yesterday life was such an easy game to play.
Now I need a place to hide away.
Oh, I believe in yesterday.

Why she had to go, I don’t know, she didn’t say. [except she did say]
I did something wrong [actually she said we did great, but she got a great opportunity and it’s good for her, it’s just sad], now I long for yesterday.

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Yesterday life was such an easy game to play.
Now I need a place to hide away.
Oh, I believe in yesterday.

Mm mm mm mm mm mm mm

Bill Withers Reveals “Ain’t No Sunshine” Was Written About Erica Glenn

DUE TO CRYING, THE DAILY GRAVY EDITORS ARE NOT ABLE TO WRITE CONTENT FOR THIS ARTICLE. THE REST OF THIS POST WILL CONSIST SOLELY OF BILL WITHERS’ “AIN’T NO SUNSHINE” LYRICS:

Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone
It’s not warm when she’s away.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone
And she’s always gone too long
Anytime she goes away.

Wonder this time where she’s gone
Wonder if she’s gone to stay
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone
And this house just ain’t no home
Anytime she goes away.

And I know, I know, I know, I know,
I know, I know, I know, I know, I know,
I know, I know, I know, I know, I know,
I know, I know, I know, I know, I know,
I know, I know, I know, I know, I know,
I know, I know,
Hey, I oughtta leave young thing alone
But ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone

0

Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone
Only darkness every day.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone
And this house just ain’t no home
Anytime she goes away.
Anytime she goes away.
Anytime she goes away.
Anytime she goes away.

BREAKING: AISU OFFICIALLY HAS NOTHING LEFT TO LIVE FOR

THE EDITORS FOR THE GRAVY ARE UNABLE TO WRITE CONTENT FOR THIS POST DUE TO CRYING

Shake It Up TV Series

Shake It Up: AISU at the 2016 Shakespeare Festival is a documentary series following AISU students at the 2016 Utah Shakespeare Festival in Southern Utah this Thursday through Saturday. Shake It Up will be the Daily Gravy’s first series. It will air on the Daily Gravy Television Network Youtube page Tuesday, October 25, as part of a Daily Gravy-sponsored screening party after school.

Judges Award AISU’s Choir and Orchestra Highest Rating, Pleads with Them to Not Perform

Park City, UT – Just days before the Regional Large Ensemble Festival, judges have already announced that the American International School of Utah will receive the highest possible score, an announcement which comes as a surprise to no one, considering AISU has won 1st place in all of their performing arts competitions this school year. In light of this decision, the judges have also asked the AISU Symphonic Chorale and Orchestra to not perform at the regional festival, and to “just practice really hard until state.”

“At this point,” one judge explained, “actually hearing them perform would be little more than a formality and, frankly, a waste of time. Better to use that time for practice, because rumor has it that their rehearsals have sounded awful lately.”

AISU’s performing arts director seemed indifferent when told about the announcement, saying, “That’s our established, tried-and-true pattern: day after day of simply devastating and disastrous rehearsals, after which we miraculously pull it together at the last minute and walk away with the highest score. It’s the model we’ve followed for two years now; the judges’ early decision is a simple acknowledgement of reality.”

However, despite the judges’ pleadings, the school’s choir and orchestra directors have said that they would like to perform in the festival anyway. “Of course we knew we’d receive the highest score,” both directors said simultaneously, in two-part harmony. “But part of the fun of the festival is hearing the contrast between rehearsals, where we sound like we’re throwing bags of trumpet-playing cats against the wall, and the performance, where we somehow sound amazing and trash all the other schools.”

Apparently, other high schools were also expecting AISU to receive the highest score. “Of course we tell our students that we think they have a chance,” one rival director said. “But we know deep down—and I’m sure they suspect as well—that we’re all just fighting for second place. So we welcome the judges’ decision; it allows us to focus on our real goal, without having to pretend that we expect to win.” Some schools, however, said they were planning to imitate AISU’s technique, which experts are now calling the “get all the sucking out in rehearsals” approach. “I think we could have won this year,” one director lamented, “because as off-key and off-tempo as AISU sounds in their rehearsals, we sound even worse!” Lawyers for AISU say that a patent for the “get all the sucking out in rehearsals” technique is pending, and in the future other ensembles will not be able to copy it without paying huge royalty fees and crediting AISU at the end of each performance.

The judges have yet to award AISU with the highest score possible in the state festival for either small ensemble or large ensemble, but experts expect both of those announcements to be released very soon. For details on scores, spoilers, choir competitions, and deadly, man-eating, hairy spiders, the public is invited to visit UHSAA.org and fall in the deep hole of despair that is the navigation of that site. Studies show that it’s really hard to navigate. Festival organizers say they have deployed emergency response personnel and multiple search-and-rescue teams to be on hand in case anyone tries to visit the website. However, public health officials warn that anyone planning to navigate the site should first see that their life insurance premiums have been fully paid. They also remind the public that AISU always wins these competitions and receives the highest possible score, so visiting the site may not actually be necessary. As one official said, “We strongly encourage judges to continue the pattern of awarding AISU the highest score in advance, so that people don’t need to look up the scores on the website. Their decision has literally saved countless lives.”

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