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The Daily Gravy

Still crying—AISU's Only Reliable News Source

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The Daily Gravy Essential Back-to-School Shopping List

It’s not too late to finish up your back-to-school shopping before the first trimester starts! Because the Daily Gravy loves you and wants what’s best for you, we have provided below the essential back-to-school shopping list for all your AISU 2017-18 school year needs! Sponsored by Wal-Mart.

 

  • Whooping cough vaccinations

After last year’s outbreak at AISU, the official slogan for pertussis vaccinations changed from “It’s worth getting autism” to the more relevant “Vaccinate your students, or you’ll get fired from your own school, Ms. Erica will leave, your brothers will also get fired, Kelly will get fired, everyone will die inside, and eventually the school you created with so much hope and potential will be converted to the new county jail.”

 

  • Academic Edgeiblity™ forms by Ekim Hpmuts

Remember last year when the school cracked down on Academic Eligibility forms, which students had to turn in before participating in school activities? Well this year, students can skip the hassle of actually achieving academic eligibility and purchase one of these new Academic Edgeibility™ forms, which teach students the important life lessons that money is more important that qualifications, that buying something is an acceptable alternative to working for it, and that anything worth having is worth paying for (not figuratively but in a literal, monetary sense). Who knows, someday our students may apply these lessons and become President of the United States.

 

  • Crayons

No school year is complete without this classic necessity. Although AISU is mostly Chromebook-based, crayons are still important for scribbling cryptic images on the walls and drawing stick figures of your favorite staff members for them to hang on their refrigerators at home.

 

  • Kelly

Everybody knows that no school year would be complete without our favorite Kelly Casaday. He is by far the most important item on this list.

 

  • 3 extra Chromebook chargers

Because you’ll lose one of them, one of them is going to break, and one will probably be stolen by your creepy neighbor’s garden gnomes.

 

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Give fashion a try™

Show your love for (almost) everyone’s favorite superduperintendent and turn heads with this fashionable attire! Available in a variety of custom clothing items on zazzle.com (note: choose a dark color for best results). Get the t-shirt HERE. All proceeds go to Zazzle and the Find the Farleys charity program. (Or get a less stylish, discounted version HERE, if your love for Mike Farley is bound by monetary restrictions).

 

  • Edible food

Without Greg as our head lunch lady, school lunches are sure to be extra-inedible this coming year. Get ahead of the game by purchasing your own edible food, such as hot Cheetos and Coca-Cola.

 

This concludes the Daily Gravy’s essential back-to-school shopping list. Failure to purchase any of these items, and the attendant consequences, are now squarely on you.

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Student Petition to the School Board AND TOWN HALL MEETING THURSDAY AT 7PM MURRAY LIBRARY EVERYONE WELCOME

If you want to make your voice be heard regarding the unjust termination of great people such as Mike Farley, Steve Farley, Greg Farley (Steve’s clone who worked as a lunch lady), and Kelly Casaday, you now have a great means to do so. Join your fellow students in voicing their disappointment in decisions made by the AISU board of directors in a cool and productive way.

Follow this link to the student petition: Students’ Petition (Conceived and Written by Students)

Note: Mike Farley and all other adults mentioned have no knowledge of the writing of this petition.

 

Also, if you are a parent, sign this petition: Parent Petition (written and conceived by parents)

If you are neither of these, but care about Mike and Steve and Greg and Kelly a great deal, sign either one. I don’t care. No matter who you are, though please do not sign both. We want this to be as honest and legal of a process as possible, as boring as that is. If you are a student AND a parent (we won’t judge), I guess you can sign both. Otherwise, stay honest please.

IMPORTANT UPDATE:

THERE WILL BE A TOWN HALL Q&A WITH MIKE FARLEY, WHO WILL, WITH A LEGAL INFORMANT, BE ANSWERING ANY QUESTIONS THAT YOU, STUDENTS, PARENTS, OR UNCONNECTED COMMUNITY MEMBERS, MAY HAVE.

IT WILL BE AT 7:00 PM MOUNTAIN TIME, THURSDAY JULY 6, AT THE MURRAY LIBRARY (166 E. 5300 S., Murray UT, 84107).

SEE PICTURE FOR MORE DETAILS.

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Bernie Sanders Announces “In-Detail” Campaign Stop at AISU

Murray, UT—Upon receiving word that 80 percent of the student body would vote for him if the government trusted them with a vote, Democratic party presidential candidate Bernie Sanders announced that he will be returning to Utah, to campaign “in-detail” at the American International School of Utah.

“He was very surprised that students who were thought to have been well-educated would vote for him,” said campaign manager Jeff Weaver. “As soon as he learned of it, he said he had to get over there and make sure they understand what they would be getting themselves into if they actually elected him. Education is a top priority for Bernie.”

AISU’s preference for Sanders has left political analysts baffled. “Maybe they looked at the other choices—Ted Cruz, Hillary Clinton, The Donald—and were uninspired,” one analyst suggested. “I don’t think they realize they have the option of writing in a candidate, like Elmo, Captain America, or Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore.” Bernie Sanders has his own theory: “Maybe they mistook me for Colonel Sanders. That happens a lot; especially with the young people.”

When he comes to the school, Sanders says he plans to outline his plan for implementing his socialist views in the school setting. The plan includes a high “tax” on all the credits earned by the students in the school, with the students who earn more credits having to pay a higher tax. Then Bernie will take those taxed credits and give them to the students who didn’t get as many credits that year.

“That way, the students who didn’t get very many credits for whatever reason will have the same advantage in life as the snobby, pig students who ‘worked hard’ for their credits and selfishly refused to share what they claim was ‘hard-earned’ and ‘rightfully theirs,’” an enthusiastic Bernie supporter explained. “Filthy credit hogs. Why can’t they understand fairness?”

Other candidates have also spoken about visiting AISU, but none have definite plans. Hillary Clinton has said that she would gladly speak to the women of AISU, but all white men are bigots, so she refuses to speak with them. However, her campaign says she will consider including the entire student body if Bernie Sanders thinks it’s a good idea.

Donald Trump has said that he is strongly opposed to speaking at an “International” school and that diversity is stupid and will kill America. He has also vowed that the wall he has promised along the nation’s southern border will keep out exchange students, exclaiming, “What on earth are we exchanging them with?”

When Ted Cruz was asked if he would speak at AISU, he said that he would, but only if the entire school was relocated to Texas.

John Kasich (or Kaisch) (or Kaisasich?) couldn’t be reached for comment, because reporters are not sure how to pronounce his name. However, Kasich did release a statement, saying, “I would just like to remind everyone that I am not Donald Trump.” And, “I think my long track record of not being Donald Trump speaks for itself.”

The Independent, Greenie, and Libertarian parties also spoke up on the subject, but nobody was listening.

Experts expect AISU to be a prime campaign spot leading up to the November election. In the meantime, a sizable faction of students are hopeful for a visit from their candidate of choice: the real Colonel Sanders, whose campaign slogan is “Fried Chicken for Everyone!”

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