The Daily Gravy Essential Back-to-School Shopping List

It’s not too late to finish up your back-to-school shopping before the first trimester starts! Because the Daily Gravy loves you and wants what’s best for you, we have provided below the essential back-to-school shopping list for all your AISU 2017-18 school year needs! Sponsored by Wal-Mart.

 

• Whooping cough vaccinations

After last year’s outbreak at AISU, the official slogan for pertussis vaccinations changed from “It’s worth getting autism” to the more relevant “Vaccinate your students, or you’ll get fired from your own school, Ms. Erica will leave, your brothers will also get fired, Kelly will get fired, everyone will die inside, and eventually the school you created with so much hope and potential will be converted to the new county jail.”

 

• Academic Edgeiblity™ forms by Ekim Hpmuts

Remember last year when the school cracked down on Academic Eligibility forms, which students had to turn in before participating in school activities? Well this year, students can skip the hassle of actually achieving academic eligibility and purchase one of these new Academic Edgeibility™ forms, which teach students the important life lessons that money is more important that qualifications, that buying something is an acceptable alternative to working for it, and that anything worth having is worth paying for (not figuratively but in a literal, monetary sense). Who knows, someday our students may apply these lessons and become President of the United States.

 

• Crayons

No school year is complete without this classic necessity. Although AISU is mostly Chromebook-based, crayons are still important for scribbling cryptic images on the walls and drawing stick figures of your favorite staff members for them to hang on their refrigerators at home.

 

• Kelly

Everybody knows that no school year would be complete without our favorite Kelly Casaday. He is by far the most important item on this list.

 

• 3 extra Chromebook chargers

Because you’ll lose one of them, one of them is going to break, and one will probably be stolen by your creepy neighbor’s garden gnomes.

 

• “I Love Mike Farley” t-shirts

Give fashion a try™

Show your love for (almost) everyone’s favorite superduperintendent and turn heads with this fashionable attire! Available in a variety of custom clothing items on zazzle.com (note: choose a dark color for best results). Get the t-shirt HERE. All proceeds go to Zazzle and the Find the Farleys charity program. (Or get a less stylish, discounted version HERE, if your love for Mike Farley is bound by monetary restrictions).

 

• Edible food

Without Greg as our head lunch lady, school lunches are sure to be extra-inedible this coming year. Get ahead of the game by purchasing your own edible food, such as hot Cheetos and Coca-Cola.

 

This concludes the Daily Gravy’s essential back-to-school shopping list. Failure to purchase any of these items, and the attendant consequences, are now squarely on you.

The Daily Gravy Fact Checker, Vol. 1

The Daily Gravy Fact Checker is a fact checker that checks “facts” that have anything to do with AISU, someone currently or once affiliated with AISU, or something said in the vicinity of AISU and overheard by someone at AISU. These “facts” are checked through a vigorous scientific checking process that you wouldn’t understand. So let’s get on with it:

1. Ex-superduperintendent (and hopefully future superduperintendent) Mike Farley said in his town hall Q&A that the school will still survive and will continue to be a place that fosters creativity, talent, and bad cafeteria food. The Daily Gravy Fact Checker has determined this to be a PARTIAL LIE. The Daily Gravy has confirmed on multiple occasions that AISU will likely not survive, especially without Mike Farley, and that it will definitely stop fostering creativity and talent. Professional statistics and stuff show that, without Mike Farley (let alone Kelly Casaday, Steve Farley, and Steve’s clone, Greg), AISU is on the path to becoming very similar to the Smile Away Reformatory School from Phineas and Ferb, except with a better performing arts program, assuming Dr. Sarah doesn’t jump ship. It is true, however, that the cafeteria food will continue to be bad, most likely.

2. Russell Westbrook, the 2017 NBA MVP, claims that he once used an AISU toenail clipper (designed and created by AISU legend Kelly Casaday) to clip his the nails of his Maltese The Brodie. The Daily Gravy Fact Checker has determined this to be a TRUTH. First off, why would Russell Westbrook lie about that? Secondly, we’ve seen pictures of The Brodie, and that toenail perfection can only be achieved by the unique clipping capabilities of the exclusive AISU toenail clipper.

Russell Westbrook and his Maltese, The Brodie. That toenail perfection can only be achieved with the limited-edition AISU toenail clipper.

3. A member of the school board claimed during a recent community meeting that neither she nor the rest of the school board knew that the minutes of the board meetings were not being posted online. She also claimed that she had recently brushed her teeth. The Daily Gravy Fact Checker has determined this to be a BLATANT DOUBLE LIE. The Daily Gravy has sent multiple ambassadors to AISU board of directors meetings since December 2016 for the sole purpose of informing them that their minutes had not been posted online, even though this is both customary and required by law. Though the meetings were nearly impossible to attend (thanks to the illegal uncooperativeness of the school board), and the board was not very good at listening to our information, our loyal and intrepid representatives (caring parents of students) are true warriors, so they somehow attended the meetings anyway and got the message to the board multiple times. It is therefore impossible for the board not to have known that the minutes were not being posted. Also, it is common knowledge that the board prioritizes the students’ well-being over basic dental hygiene, and since they have definitely not been focusing on students’ well-being at all over the past several months, there is no possible way they could have even touched their Oral-B Pro 7000 SmartSeries Black Electronic Power Rechargeable Toothbrush with Bluetooth Connectivity Powered by Braun yet.

4. AISU luminary Mike Farley has said that he cares deeply for the students and staff and administration members and wants more than anything to see us succeed. The Daily Gravy Fact Checker has determined this to be a TRUTH. In fact, truer words have never been said.

5. Rudy Gobert, the best center in the NBA and an acknowledged Frenchman, hoping to revive the spirits of the AISU community while they witness AISU’s downfall, plans to purchase AISU in the near future and immediately reinstate the Farleys and Kelly. The Daily Gravy Fact Checker has determined this to be CURRENTLY INDISCERNIBLE, BUT HOPEFULLY TRUE. Sometimes, all you have is hope. And at those times, you must cling tenaciously to that hope, slim though it may be. If this does happen, though, it is almost certain that Gobert will rename AISU “the Rudy Gobert School of French, Blocking Shots, and Cryptic Hair Designs” or “RGSFBSCHD” for short. It is also widely believed that the new name will not change how the school operates, except that it is likely to place greater emphasis on not doing stupid things. So far, Gobert has been reticent when asked whether he plans to buy AISU, in some cases denying that he has ever heard of the school. However, the Daily Gravy Fact Checker has confirmed that during a recent, supposedly unrelated press conference, Gobert clearly blinked at exactly the 49.98 second mark and then nodded his head slightly. This subtle but undeniable hint is what the AISU community is currently hitching its hopes to. Yep, that’s the state of things.

This has been the Daily Gravy Fact Checker, Vol. 1. If you or your diabetic gecko have anything pertaining to AISU or not pertaining to AISU that you want checked for facts, email us at askgravy@gmail.com. If you cannot email us because you have PTSD from the urgent alone email thread or the sitting-on-the-floor email thread, you may comment below. Thank you.

The Real Reason Gordon Hayward Left The Utah Jazz

Salt Lake City, Utah—Earlier this week, many Utahns (and residents of surrounding states without a professional basketball team) had a somber undertone to their 4th of July festivities when Utah Jazz basketball star and League of Legends player Gordon Hayward announced that he was leaving Utah to join the Boston Celtics.

The news came as a shock to many fans. In Utah, many speculated, Hayward could have a higher salary, a higher probability of running into Donny Osmond, and a lower probability of getting his shots blocked by Rudy Gobert (except in practices). In Boston, on the other hand, he would have an arena overstuffed with championship banners, a higher probability of running into Tom Brady, and a borderline racist team logo.

And yet, he still chose Boston. This in spite of the fact that Jazz fans have created hashtags featuring wordplays on Hayward’s name, paid for billboards with Hayward’s picture on them, and posted YouTube videos of themselves begging him to stay, which isn’t creepy or pathetic at all.

In Utah … Hayward could have a higher salary, a higher probability of running into Donny Osmond, and a lower probability of getting his shots blocked by Rudy Gobert (except in practices).

Some have speculated that Hayward is leaving for Boston because his old college coach, Brad Stevens, now coaches the Celtics, giving Boston a sentimental advantage. However, it remains a fact that Hayward is an acknowledged professional athlete, who does not have actual feelings and who cares only about money, social media, and winning, in that order. So there must be some other explanation.

As analysts and fans continue to puzzle over Hayward’s baffling decision, the Daily Gravy has recently received exclusive insider info that Hayward’s departure had nothing to do with sentimentality and everything to do with the AISU school board.

In case you didn’t know, the board of directors of the American International School of Utah (AISU) have recently been accused of abusing their power (possibly unintentionally), not following their own standards and bylaws (probably intentionally), and refusing to brush their teeth (definitely intentionally). Some examples of their abuses of power include removing Michael Farley as manager of its parent organization, AIS, and attempting to use expired Burger King coupons as admission to Beyoncé concerts. A couple of outspoken sports analysts have surmised that the controversy surrounding the school board (or possibly Ms. Erica’s departure) was likely a major factor in Hayward’s decision to leave.

However, an inside source has informed the Daily Gravy of the real reason: The AISU school board fired him.

Hayward’s departure had nothing to do with sentimentality and everything to do with the AISU school board.

The informant, who asked to be called “anything except my real name, I don’t care, just don’t tell them it’s me, Gordon Hayward,” explained that he could not reveal the grounds for the firing for fear of losing severance pay, but possible reasons include the fact that Hayward was an important, foundational, well-loved member of the community. As AISU student and parents know, the school board has recently become notorious for firing such people (without authorization to do so). In fact, some students and parents had said that they expected this to happen after seeing it happen with Mike Farley, saying the firing of Gordon Hayward was a predictable next step. Other AISU students asked, “Who’s Gordon Hayward? Is he in the Chamber Choir? What part does he sing?”

Experts are now trying to predict what the school board will do next, with many agreeing that they will likely fire Justin Trudeau, Taylor Swift, and/or Pope Francis. In response, students and parents have written a petition demanding a reorganization of the board, in order to protect Pope Francis and other influential world leaders from meeting the same unwarranted and unlawful demise as Hayward and Farley.

The school board has refused to comment on this issue, or any issue, for that matter. Gordon Hayward did say that he’ll be in touch with AISU’s choir directors, previous and current, for information about the city of Boston, as both directors have ties there. He also still plans to audition for the AISU choral program, just as he does every year, and hopes that he’ll be accepted at least once before the school shuts down. He also said (anonymously) that AISU’s lawyers have banned him from any contact with the school, which is why he isn’t following you on instagram. He apologizes for that and hopes the ban is lifted so he can. AISU staff members are also banned from contacting him, even through social media, with the threat of termination. For now, though, AISU students, parents, and staff members (although don’t tell anyone they say this, because they could get fired) encourage you to boo the AISU board of directors at the Jazz v. Boston game this season (and sign the petition and attend the town hall meeting, if you’re serious about it).

Student Petition to the School Board AND TOWN HALL MEETING THURSDAY AT 7PM MURRAY LIBRARY EVERYONE WELCOME

If you want to make your voice be heard regarding the unjust termination of great people such as Mike Farley, Steve Farley, Greg Farley (Steve’s clone who worked as a lunch lady), and Kelly Casaday, you now have a great means to do so. Join your fellow students in voicing their disappointment in decisions made by the AISU board of directors in a cool and productive way.

Follow this link to the student petition: Students’ Petition (Conceived and Written by Students)

Note: Mike Farley and all other adults mentioned have no knowledge of the writing of this petition.

 

Also, if you are a parent, sign this petition: Parent Petition (written and conceived by parents)

If you are neither of these, but care about Mike and Steve and Greg and Kelly a great deal, sign either one. I don’t care. No matter who you are, though please do not sign both. We want this to be as honest and legal of a process as possible, as boring as that is. If you are a student AND a parent (we won’t judge), I guess you can sign both. Otherwise, stay honest please.

IMPORTANT UPDATE:

THERE WILL BE A TOWN HALL Q&A WITH MIKE FARLEY, WHO WILL, WITH A LEGAL INFORMANT, BE ANSWERING ANY QUESTIONS THAT YOU, STUDENTS, PARENTS, OR UNCONNECTED COMMUNITY MEMBERS, MAY HAVE.

IT WILL BE AT 7:00 PM MOUNTAIN TIME, THURSDAY JULY 6, AT THE MURRAY LIBRARY (166 E. 5300 S., Murray UT, 84107).

SEE PICTURE FOR MORE DETAILS.

 

An Open Letter From the Students of AISU to Our Beloved Super-Duper-Intendent Mike Farley

OK CAN GOOD IMPORTANT CRUCIAL PEOPLE IN OUR LIVES AND AISU PLEASE STOP LEAVING ALREADY?!?!? Mr. Farley, you deserve your position. Everyone knows this. AISU is your school. Everything good we have accomplished is a direct result of your work and your mind. We hope everything gets worked out very soon and you can return, despite the situation being as it is right now. AISU owes you everything, from the beautiful building (we don’t blame you for the questionable carpeting choice), to the idealistic mindset of the school as a whole, to the hiring and organizing of the great administration and staff we have today. AISU is a direct result of your intelligence, your determination, your problem-solving skills, your creativity, your idealism, your selflessness, and your charity towards us. We know that you and your family have been more than open about all business dealings and that you would never do anything that you find immoral. We also know that AISU would be nothing without you, and that without you as a guiding force, we cannot continue to make the dream you had for us a reality.

Not to mention, with everyone who’s leaving, we seriously have nothing going for us as a school besides the largest outbreaks of whooping cough recently. We’re going to have to remarket ourselves as “The American International School of Pertussis” or something. Nobody wants that. “AISP” doesn’t sound good at all. It’s totally lame.

If what we hear turns out to be correct, and you have been permanently removed from your position, we will never stop relating you to Steve Jobs when he got fired from dumb Apple, so then he went made Pixar and stuff, and then Apple realized how freaking stupid they were, and hired him back. We hope it takes dumb AISU much less time to figure it out, though. We would also like to remind you that if you have spare time, guest articles for the Gravy will always be accepted (wink wink). (Also, please get back in there and stop them from doing early release Fridays. That’s just a really dumb thing.) (Oh, and get Steve back in here, please. Everybody misses him and he is very needed. And get rid of whoever’s got a problem with you guys. We’ll help. We can, like, call them names and stuff.)

In Time of Mourning, Mike Farley Makes Surprisingly Uplifting Public Statement Concerning AISU’s Budget

AISU—Last night, at the American International School of Utah, Superduperintendent Mike Farley made a surprisingly uplifting (but much-needed) public statement concerning AISU’s budget and spending.

Attendees of the event said that they had been expecting a statement to be released about the school’s budget, due to rumors spreading about a financial shortfall. However, attendees reported that this meeting was much more positive than they had expected.

A surprisingly upbeat Farley announced that he recently received an email from Wumi Abdula, a girl in Abidjan whose father, a wealthy cocoa merchant, had just passed away.

While attendees struggled to understand what in the world this had to do with the school’s budgetary problems, Farley continued and explained that Wumi Abdula received her father’s inheritance—a whopping $12.5 million—however, she needed overseas assistance hiding the money from her father’s nefarious business partners, who are the main suspects in his death.

“Then comes the exciting part,” said wide-eyed Mike Farley. “All we have to do is send $200,000 right away—don’t worry; I’ve already sent it via PayPal—and Wum (I call her Wum) will make us her overseas business partners. As compensation for our efforts, Wum will give us fifteen percent of the original $12.5 capital M’s! Yeah, baby!”

“I had our Math Department crunch the numbers, and they assure me that fifteen percent of $12.5M is way more than $200,000—a whole heckin’ lot of money,” Farley concluded, squealing with excitement, “Like, at least enough for a couple more school buses!”

Unblocked Websites Discovered, Study Commissioned to Find Out Why

An intense investigation by Elijah Anderson

 

As nearly every AISU student has discovered, there are some pretty good game and entertainment websites that are not blocked on the school Wi-Fi, which is surprising because almost everything else is blocked, including school work. The PSA (Pointless Studies of America) recently conducted as study to get to the bottom of this.

 

The study included interviews with a random sample of two  teachers, both of whom claim that they actually have lives outside of school and like to do things. Two unnamed teachers admitted that they enjoy, for example, playing video games online and spending time on meme sites (the identity of these sites has not been released, in order to protect them from being  blocked). The PSA study concludes that if two teachers admit to using and enjoying such sites, all teachers do, because all teachers are the same.

 

Since the study was released, speculation has run rampant (and eventually hardened into accepted fact) that these game and entertainment sites are not blocked because the principal and the superintendent use them as well. So far, Mark Smith and Mike Farley will not confirm nor deny any allegations, which just confirms it, because if it weren’t true, why wouldn’t you just deny it?

 

From there, it wasn’t a huge leap to start drawing conclusions about the real reasons behind the AISU 3.0 changes. Obviously, school officials had spent so much time gaming online that the night before the changes were to be announced, they realized they hadn’t planned anything yet. So they hurriedly threw together some ideas they found inside the fortune cookies that came with the Chinese takeout they had ordered to fuel their all-night gaming binge. Then they Googled “Curriculum Companies,” called the first one they saw, and asked if we could use their curriculum. When confronted with these allegations, school officials would not confirm nor deny these allegations, which proves that they are true, because seriously people, that’s not a hard thing to deny.

 

 

This article was written by a guest writer who sent his/her complete article to AISUGRAVY@GMAIL.COM, which was then slightly revised, edited, and posted by Gravy professionals. This guest writer is no different from you or me except that this guest writer wrote an article for the Daily Gravy and sent it to AISUGRAVY@GMAIL.COM. Other than that, there really aren’t that many differences between the two of you. This guest writer isn’t any more special than you or anything, except that he/she wrote an article and sent it to AISUGRAVY@GMAIL.COM, and you haven’t yet. That’s really the only important difference. So what are you waiting for? If you would like your work to be posted on the Daily Gravy and laughed at (in a mostly good way) by many of your peers, email your article to AISUGRAVY@GMAIL.COM and have a nice day.

Mr. Farley Opts Entire State of Utah Out of SAGE Testing Because “It’s Really Dumb”

Daily Headline – 5/16/16

AISU 4.0 Plans Leaked

AISU – The American International School of Utah has baffled students, parents, and mental institutions with its recently announced “3.0” changes to be implemented for the school’s third year. These include, to name a few, an inefficient-by-nature A/B schedule (especially disruptive for students with “flex schedules”), 80-minute classes (about 80 times longer than the average teenager’s attention span), an earlier start and later end to the school day (inconsiderate of commuter students), integrated classes that will force students who are ahead in certain subjects to do completed work again, crew in the middle of the day, two high school lunches to minimize socializing, among other terrible things.

Students hardly had time to recover emotionally from the 3.0 announcement, however, before potential plans for changes in AISU’s fourth year were leaked through fuzzy images on the Internet. Details are sketchy, but they reportedly include an A/B/C/D/E schedule (or “alphabet schedule”) to fit more classes per trimester. Also, in response to complaints from commuter students, the school day is to be extended even further—beginning at 7:00 a.m. and ending at 6:30 p.m., thus avoiding both the morning and evening rush hours. Saturdays would be added to the school week as a mandatory “bonus learning” day. The two high school lunches are to be eliminated, and instead students will only have lunch on one day each week, depending on their crew, which will meet for 2 minutes and 34 seconds per day.

The leaked 4.0 information also included clues that led investigators to confidential drafts of AISU “5.0,” which they say they found hidden under a pile of granola bars on Mr. Justis’s desk. For 5.0, the “alphabet schedule” will include all letters of the alphabet, giving students 26 days between classes. Weekends, holidays, and breaks will be eliminated, because “what did the students do to earn a ‘break’?” There will not be a lunch and food will not be permitted; instead, all students will participate in a “school-wide fast” for education. The “crew leader” position will be terminated, and all crews will be led by Bill Glad via Skype for 30 seconds every half hour.

As surprising as these changes may be, they apparently are only the beginning. Investigators found that when the plans for 5.0 were translated into Latin, read backwards, then translated back into English, they revealed a rough draft for plans for AISU 6.0, which reportedly will include a schedule based not on the English alphabet but on a variety of factors, including the outdoor temperature, the air quality, a “wheel of academic fortune” spun by local celebrities, the amount of rainfall in the Amazon rainforest, the crime rate in Los Angeles, the “rollback” sales at Wal-Mart, and what Mr. Farley had for breakfast the day before. Under this schedule, students will never have the same class twice and will be “kept on their toes” regarding their education.

The school day for 6.0 will last for 24 hours, 7 days a week, 365 1/4 days a year, and each class will last 48 hours. If students wish to eat, they are required to watch a video of someone taking a bowl of rice away from a starving child in Africa while doing so. Crews will be disintegrated, and students will meet individually with Bill Glad at random times every day for a presentation about stress, sleep deprivation, fear, and other conditions caused by the school.

Students have responded by comparing the successive changes to the worsening of recent iPhone models. School officials would not confirm the veracity of the leaked information; however, they called the iPhone comparison “very insulting, but fair.”