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The Daily Gravy

Still crying—AISU aka The Pertussis School's Only Reliable News Source

Month

August 2016

AISU Haiku No. I

AISU is

Four syllables unless you

Use phonics. AISU.

AISU Fight Song: Brand New School

Sung to the tune of “Grand Old Flag”

 

We’re a brand new school,

We are AISU.

We sing songs and we play instruments.

We don’t really know

How our sports teams do,

But in Arts we Perform winningness.

Ev’ry heart beats true

‘Neath the Red, White, and Blue.

We do everything better than you.

Though graduating be o’erlooked

Stand and shout for AISU!

 

We’re the best darn school,

We are AISU.

We sing songs and we play instruments.

Kate Youman says,

“We have STEM here too.”

But on that point we fake ignorance.

Ev’ry heart beats true

‘Neath the Red, White, and Blue,

Where there’s ne’er any work that you do.

Though A and B days get mixed up,

Stand and shout for AISU!

 

Include misc. cheers and chants (e.g. Ra-Ra-Sish-Boom-Ba and/or Gooooo Dragons!) with drum rolls at appropriate times.

Exclusive Interview: Mr. Justis Explains How You Can Change the World

AISU – In a record-breaking long assembly for the high school and middle school last Thursday, American International School of Utah Academics Director Nathan Justis made what some are calling a “ridiculous” claim—that each student can change the world.

After receiving intense criticism for his “unrealistic expectations for naturally incompetent students,” which critics claim will “get the students’ hopes up, only to crush them once they remember they’re really lazy,” Justis agreed to an exclusive interview with the Daily Gravy to clarify his remarks. The key points from that interview are summarized below:

Daily Gravy: “What did you think about the critics saying that your claim was ridiculous and your students are incompetent?”

Mr. Justis: “I think it wasn’t very nice. I mean, even incompetent students can change the world. And our students aren’t incompetent at performing arts.”

DG: “What sort of change are you talking about?”

MJ: “Well, just everyday things can really make a difference. They might not seem like they make a huge difference, but they might really change someone’s world.”

DG: “Do you have any specific examples, so your students know what kinds of everyday things they can do to change the world for someone?”

MJ: “You know, just little things like brushing your teeth and clipping your fingernails can really change somebody’s world. For example, somebody might be having an awful day, and then they see you with your neatly trimmed fingernails and minty fresh teeth and suddenly have a renewed hope in mankind. I mean, that sort of thing happens to me all the time.”

DG: “I see. You say that sort of thing happens to you often. Can you give us a couple specific examples from your personal life?”

MJ: “Yes, of course. One time, during lunch, I was feeling especially hungry. Then this group of students walked past me, carrying paper bags from Five Guys. It was because of that that I realized I wanted to eat at Five Guys. I did, and it was very delicious. I really appreciate those students, because that meal was really good. I thank those students every time I see them and tell them how they changed my world that day.”

DG: “I agree, Five Guys is pretty good. I personally prefer Crown Burger, though.”

MJ: “Yeah, Crown Burger’s good, too. They’re sort of a different venue, though.”

DG: “True.”

MJ: “Yep.”

DG: What are your thoughts on discount movie theaters?”

MJ: “I think they serve a great purpose to the community. While the quality of the theater might not be the best, you also get to see a movie for a fraction of the price, which is, for a lot of people, more than worth it.”

DG: “Who’s your favorite character from Dora the Explorer?”

MJ: “I would have to say the squirrel who only speaks Spanish. I can’t remember his name right now, but he’s always struck me as a fun-loving, independent character, and I really admire his stubborn refusal to learn English, even though it’s clearly the primary language of everyone else in the show.”

DG: “Would you rather be forced to listen to a violin tuning or stab your ears with a mechanical pencil?”

MJ: “Ooh, that one’s tough. They both cause about the same amount of ear damage, right? But on the other hand, you face the danger every day of hearing a violin tuning by just walking through the halls at this school.”

DG: “That’s true. That was a pretty difficult question.”

MJ: “Yeah, it was.”

DG: “Well, thank you for your time”

MJ: “Of course. Thanks for asking me questions and stuff.”

DG: “You’re welcome.”

After the exclusive interview, Mr. Justis said he would release a list of “25 everyday things you can do to change the world today” sometime in the near future, along with a ranking of his favorite Dora the Explorer characters. He also promised to research the squirrel’s name.

The News in Pictures: AISU Dress Code Name Changed

After 2 years of AISU students failing to follow the school’s dress code, the administration chose to change the title of the “Dress to Learn” code to the “Learn to Dress” code, probably due to increased impatience.

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