AISU – On Wednesday, April 13, an “education innovations” expert, Phil Phredrickson, visited the American International School of Utah to evaluate the school both academically and ultra-academically, and to implement changes if necessary. However, immediately after shadowing the Physics class, Phredrickson dropped to the ground in laughter, eventually choking and ceasing to have life.
After it was confirmed that Phredrickson was in fact dead, AISU administration released a statement outlining Phredrickson’s recommended changes for AISU’s 3rd year, calling them “otherwise ridiculous” suggestions that “we never would have considered had they not been ordered by a dead man.”
Among the suggested changes are a new A/B day schedule with 80-minute classes, two high school lunches, a longer school day, replacing pencils with crayons, removing all chairs, and replacing all notebooks with rolls of toilet paper. An anonymous administration member said that he believes the changes will be good for the school, because he discussed them with his 6th great-grandson in series of dreams and blackouts in dark alleys. Others are doubtful, claiming that the changes “only make sense if you have been in constant contact with the dead for the past few years.” Overall, the school’s official statement asserts that the implementations will improve the school in the long run, but that they will “take some getting used to” and “will suck pretty bad for the next four decades.”
Phredrickson did not respond to our requests for comment, but the anonymous administration member offered to contact him for us, although we weren’t sure if he was talking to us, because his eyes were rolled back and his head was turned all the way around. The school will have an informational meeting about the changes on Tuesday at 7:00 on Saturn’s 6th moon, where a watermelon hosting Phredrickson’s disembodied ghost will be speaking. LSD will be served as a complimentary refreshment beforehand.
The Daily Gravy 
Student Petition to the School Board AND TOWN HALL MEETING THURSDAY AT 7PM MURRAY LIBRARY EVERYONE WELCOME
If you want to make your voice be heard regarding the unjust termination of great people such as Mike Farley, Steve Farley, Greg Farley (Steve’s clone who worked as a lunch lady), and Kelly Casaday, you now have a great means to do so. Join your fellow students in voicing their disappointment in decisions made by the AISU board of directors in a cool and productive way.
Follow this link to the student petition: Students’ Petition (Conceived and Written by Students)
Note: Mike Farley and all other adults mentioned have no knowledge of the writing of this petition.
Also, if you are a parent, sign this petition: Parent Petition (written and conceived by parents)
If you are neither of these, but care about Mike and Steve and Greg and Kelly a great deal, sign either one. I don’t care. No matter who you are, though please do not sign both. We want this to be as honest and legal of a process as possible, as boring as that is. If you are a student AND a parent (we won’t judge), I guess you can sign both. Otherwise, stay honest please.
IMPORTANT UPDATE:
THERE WILL BE A TOWN HALL Q&A WITH MIKE FARLEY, WHO WILL, WITH A LEGAL INFORMANT, BE ANSWERING ANY QUESTIONS THAT YOU, STUDENTS, PARENTS, OR UNCONNECTED COMMUNITY MEMBERS, MAY HAVE.
IT WILL BE AT 7:00 PM MOUNTAIN TIME, THURSDAY JULY 6, AT THE MURRAY LIBRARY (166 E. 5300 S., Murray UT, 84107).
SEE PICTURE FOR MORE DETAILS.