EXCLUSIVE: AISU Choirs Getting Record-Level Sucking Out in Rehearsals

Murray, UT—The American International School of Utah (AISU) choral program came into this school year with an understandable sense of uncertainty. The legend that was Ms. Erica is gone; many of the most talented students transferred or graduated; and Kelly was fired, which brought general happiness levels to an all-time low throughout the school. Needless to say, the future didn’t seem too bright for the AISU choral program.

The only thing AISU choirs really got to look forward to this year was the new choir director, Ms. Houghton. Possibly even more overqualified than Ms. Erica was for this job, Ms. Houghton reportedly taught Ms. Erica everything she knows about choral directing—and that’s a lot. However, some experts have expressed a concern: Given Ms. Houghton’s amazingness, will the choirs still be able to get as much sucking out in rehearsals?

The AISU choirs’ well-known awesomeness has long been attributed to their ability to sound downright awful during rehearsals, so that by the time a performance came along, there was no suckiness left in the performers, leaving only pleasant sounds that impressed judges.

Would a talented director like Ms. Houghton be able to get her students to suck sufficiently during rehearsals to keep this tradition going? After almost four weeks of choir, this concern has been thoroughly settled, as choir members and spectators alike have been overwhelmed by the unexpected amount of sucking the choirs have been getting out already. One choir analyst reports, “The first week of choir, both choirs were sounding really nice. They had a great sound and blended well and seemed to be picking things up really quickly. So obviously, we were really concerned. Devastated, in fact. It crushed a lot of hopes that AISU would be able to compete again.” He continues, “Luckily, by the third week, both choirs had gotten back to it and are sucking at a much more acceptable rate! Based on how much they’re sucking, there’s a good chance they won’t have any sucking left by the time they compete at the upcoming Shakespeare Festival!”

A student from the tenor section added, “I can only speak for my section, but we’ve sucked so much already! Nobody can hold a part, we can’t stay in tune, and we couldn’t find our notes if our lives depended on it. In fact, we have so much trouble finding our notes that by the time we compete at Shakespeare next week, there won’t be any notes left besides the right ones! I’ve never been more optimistic about our progress. I think our section alone has gotten more sucking out over these first two weeks than probably any choir has at AISU so far.”

Ms. Houghton also commented, saying, “To be honest, I didn’t know the AISU choirs had this much sucking in them! Erica has told me stories and everything, of course, but I thought she was exaggerating!” She added, beaming, occasionally slipping into a Boston accent. “I’ve never heard a choir who has been able to get this much sucking out in rehearsals, and I’m very proud.”

Word of all this sucking has reached competition judges, who reportedly have responded by engraving “AISU” into all of their trophies and plaques, just to save time.

 

Buy your authentic “I got all the sucking out in rehearsals” AISU Performing Arts button pin HERE (comes in various sizes) (proceeds go to preservation of future awards AISU will undoubtedly win).

Truthful and stylish

Student Petition to the School Board AND TOWN HALL MEETING THURSDAY AT 7PM MURRAY LIBRARY EVERYONE WELCOME

If you want to make your voice be heard regarding the unjust termination of great people such as Mike Farley, Steve Farley, Greg Farley (Steve’s clone who worked as a lunch lady), and Kelly Casaday, you now have a great means to do so. Join your fellow students in voicing their disappointment in decisions made by the AISU board of directors in a cool and productive way.

Follow this link to the student petition: Students’ Petition (Conceived and Written by Students)

Note: Mike Farley and all other adults mentioned have no knowledge of the writing of this petition.

 

Also, if you are a parent, sign this petition: Parent Petition (written and conceived by parents)

If you are neither of these, but care about Mike and Steve and Greg and Kelly a great deal, sign either one. I don’t care. No matter who you are, though please do not sign both. We want this to be as honest and legal of a process as possible, as boring as that is. If you are a student AND a parent (we won’t judge), I guess you can sign both. Otherwise, stay honest please.

IMPORTANT UPDATE:

THERE WILL BE A TOWN HALL Q&A WITH MIKE FARLEY, WHO WILL, WITH A LEGAL INFORMANT, BE ANSWERING ANY QUESTIONS THAT YOU, STUDENTS, PARENTS, OR UNCONNECTED COMMUNITY MEMBERS, MAY HAVE.

IT WILL BE AT 7:00 PM MOUNTAIN TIME, THURSDAY JULY 6, AT THE MURRAY LIBRARY (166 E. 5300 S., Murray UT, 84107).

SEE PICTURE FOR MORE DETAILS.

 

A Tribute to AISU’s Class of 2017: The Most Tearful Goodbyes

Who knew that this year, AISU 3.0, would be AISU’s last “good” year? The Daily Gravy will be the first to admit that the way we reacted to last year’s 3.0 ordeal was incredibly naïve. How could we know that 3.0, with all of its frustrating madness, would seem like a warm bubble bath compared to the prospect of next year at AISU without those who are graduating or leaving? Which brings us to the point of this article: to say goodbye to people who have seemed like a permanent part of AISU—including students as well as teachers, such as Erica Glenn, David Fawson, and Pippa Keene.

While the Gravy is not known for shying away from difficult topics, this one is incredibly hard. When we picture AISU, we picture you. We picture everything you’ve done for us and for the school, whether it’s something big, such as organizing (or participating in) a world-class performing arts program, or something small, such as being our friend though you knew you were going to have to leave. Come to think of it, that’s actually really rude of you. You’d all better do a really good job of keeping in touch.

We would not be who we are today without you. You have changed us individually and as a school. We are better because we knew you. Without you, there would be no performing arts at AISU. Without you, there would be no Daily Gravy. Without you, a lot of us would be in a very dark place, literally (like a public school) or figuratively (like a mental hospital—but I repeat myself). Without you, many of us would have no idea what we truly want to do with our lives. Without you, life would suck a lot.

We will forever be grateful that you were a part of our lives for even a small amount of time. That means more to us than the fact that AISU’s soccer team won the state championship. Or, to give a more familiar, relatable example, it means more to us than anything AISU’s performing arts program has ever accomplished. If we had the choice between keeping you around only a little bit longer or never having another fire drill at AISU, we would choose keeping you around, hands down. We want to keep in touch with you more than we want Mike Stumph to mind his own business. We would fill out an academic eligibility form every day if it meant we could have more time in your life, and we would make sure to stay on track in our classes and maybe even work ahead if it meant our teachers would sign us off as eligible.

You’re more important to us than academic eligibility forms are to Mike Stumph. You mean more to us than getting into the school play means to the drama kids. We love you more than our performing arts students hate Rockwell Charter High School and Shaun Barrowes combined. We care about you more than Sir Burton cares about his robot stuff. We’ll miss you more than we’d miss our freedom if we were at a public school. Much more, actually. You are the Christa to our Dean. You are the Kelly Casaday of our lives. We love you and if we don’t see you again—well, let’s not let our thought go there, OK? We hope to see you again as much as possible. The Gravy isn’t very good at goodbyes, but that’s OK, because this is not a goodbye; it’s just a “see you later, alligators.” Lots of love, the Daily Gravy.

Note: at the time of first writing this, we thought that Pippa and Nate were going to leave, but then they ended up not doing so (for reasons probably relating to Mike Farley’s untimely termination). We think that’s great, but also we feel a little cheated that you got this goodbye and then came back. For that, we’re transferring the goodbyes here to Mike, Steve, and Greg Farley, as well as Kelly Casaday, because we thought they were going to stay, and it turns out they got hecking fired by some hecking dumb people for some hecking dumb reasons. We said “who knew AISU 3.0 would be AISU’s last ‘good’ year,” and we didn’t know how right we were. We also said that we were incredibly naïve in the way we reacted to 3.0, and we were also naïve in the way we first reacted to the 2017-18 school year. Ms. Erica and everyone and the great class of 2017 leaving was really bad, but we took some things for granted that we thought would never change. We had no idea any of this could ever happen. We love you, Farleys. We love you, Kelly. We love everyone who left this year. And freaking Nate and Pippa who said they were going to leave and got our goodbyes and then didn’t leave, what the heck guys? Anyway, Kelly and the Farleys, we hope you can somehow get your school back. AISU isn’t AISU without U.

As Ms. Erica’s News Finally Starts to Sink in, AISU Holds Its Breath and Takes a Look Ahead

AISU—As everyone outside of the North Korean prison camps and parts of Communist Cuba knows by now, The Erica Glenn will not be returning to teach choir or direct the performing arts at AISU next year. Ms. Erica has been chosen by Arizona State University (that’s ASU, or AISU without I) to receive the largest scholarship ASU has ever offered, take over the ASU women’s chorus, become a goddess, and pursue her education in choral conducting, all while ASU pays her to do it. Ms. Erica has somehow chosen this over her loving, procrastinating, get-all-the-sucking-out-in-rehearsals (but also sometimes in the performance) middle and high school students. The coin she flipped to make this decision was probably weighted somehow by those heckin ASU people.

Ms. Erica has always been incredibly overqualified for the job she held at AISU, but has used her overqualifications and otherworldly connections to make AISU what it is today: a school that, despite failing miserably at everything, somehow succeeds tremendously at the performing arts.

Because of Ms. Erica, AISU’s performing arts program has had the opportunity to perform with incredible musicians and influential figures such as Erica Glenn. Almost as valuable were opportunities to perform with Dallyn Bayles, Kurt Bestor, Aaron Kenny, That One Guy, and other amazing people, as well as some people who weren’t that amazing but are possibly sort of well-known-ish maybe. Ms. Erica led AISU’s performing arts to undeservingly win countless competitions and awards, from the Utah Shakespearean Festival to the Kurt Bestor Competition to State Music Festivals/Competitions and many more.

Ms. Erica has stuck with AISU’s choirs in times of trial and hardship, usually caused by AISU’s choirs, and helped the choirs get through the hard times and make something of it. From the first showcase for the school during week zero to the latest regional music competition, Ms. Erica didn’t give up on her students (and also probably bribed the judges at regions), and practiced them into being better and slightly more deserving of their accomplishments.

There was a time when AISUers asked hypothetically, almost with a chuckle, “What would AISU be without Ms. Erica?” Now the school must face the horrifying reality: “What will AISU be without Ms. Erica?” And no one is laughing. Truly the school will not be the same without Ms. Erica, who is arguably responsible for all successes and improvements AISU has ever had. In fact, it may well be that without Ms. Erica, AISU becomes, to most observers—including those in Communist Cuba—merely “that school that had the whooping cough outbreak.”

Many students and staff members are expecting AISU to completely shut down not long after Ms. Erica’s announcement. However, in what experts are calling a surprising and risky move, school officials recently announced that AISU will not go hide under a rock somewhere and cry itself to sleep. Instead, plans are to stagger along like a crippled dog and whimper occasionally. Bets on how many days or hours AISU will survive after Ms. Glenn leaves have been circulating throughout the school. Las Vegas has officially placed the over-under at one hour, with most people eagerly taking the under, while others optimistically insist it will last as many as 90 minutes. In anticipation, many staff members and students have already begun looking for greener pastures, such as the Utah Department of Corrections or Alcatraz.

However, some students have a more positive outlook, especially with the news we just received that Ms. Erica’s friend Ms. Sarah will be taking over in Ms. Erica’s place. Ms. Sarah has an impressive resume, and many AISU students hope that she is actually just Ms. Erica in disguise and this whole thing was an elaborate prank gone wrong.

Despite the sense of optimism about Ms. Sarah, Arizona State has reported record numbers of applicants in the past few days, including several AISU students who are nowhere close to graduating. Some students have speculated that this was ASU’s plan all along, and that the school has terminated the recruitment manager, unofficially giving that title to Ms. Erica. In related news, local surgical clinics have reported a sudden increase in men-to-women gender change operations, a trend that is striking similar to the recent increase in the number of audition requests for ASU’s women’s choir.

Ms. Erica has done more for AISU than anyone can ever repay her, and she’ll do the same for ASU. One day, when she is conducting the Mormon Tabernacle Choir or something bigger than that (which is hard to imagine, but then, we once thought the same about the AISU gig), as well as singing every part by herself, and taking whatever she does to unimaginable heights, the one consolation for her former AISU students will be that we can say, with a smile on our face and a song in our heart, “We heard it here first.”

In Time of Mourning, Mike Farley Makes Surprisingly Uplifting Public Statement Concerning AISU’s Budget

AISU—Last night, at the American International School of Utah, Superduperintendent Mike Farley made a surprisingly uplifting (but much-needed) public statement concerning AISU’s budget and spending.

Attendees of the event said that they had been expecting a statement to be released about the school’s budget, due to rumors spreading about a financial shortfall. However, attendees reported that this meeting was much more positive than they had expected.

A surprisingly upbeat Farley announced that he recently received an email from Wumi Abdula, a girl in Abidjan whose father, a wealthy cocoa merchant, had just passed away.

While attendees struggled to understand what in the world this had to do with the school’s budgetary problems, Farley continued and explained that Wumi Abdula received her father’s inheritance—a whopping $12.5 million—however, she needed overseas assistance hiding the money from her father’s nefarious business partners, who are the main suspects in his death.

“Then comes the exciting part,” said wide-eyed Mike Farley. “All we have to do is send $200,000 right away—don’t worry; I’ve already sent it via PayPal—and Wum (I call her Wum) will make us her overseas business partners. As compensation for our efforts, Wum will give us fifteen percent of the original $12.5 capital M’s! Yeah, baby!”

“I had our Math Department crunch the numbers, and they assure me that fifteen percent of $12.5M is way more than $200,000—a whole heckin’ lot of money,” Farley concluded, squealing with excitement, “Like, at least enough for a couple more school buses!”

Bill Withers Reveals “Ain’t No Sunshine” Was Written About Erica Glenn

DUE TO CRYING, THE DAILY GRAVY EDITORS ARE NOT ABLE TO WRITE CONTENT FOR THIS ARTICLE. THE REST OF THIS POST WILL CONSIST SOLELY OF BILL WITHERS’ “AIN’T NO SUNSHINE” LYRICS:

Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone
It’s not warm when she’s away.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone
And she’s always gone too long
Anytime she goes away.

Wonder this time where she’s gone
Wonder if she’s gone to stay
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone
And this house just ain’t no home
Anytime she goes away.

And I know, I know, I know, I know,
I know, I know, I know, I know, I know,
I know, I know, I know, I know, I know,
I know, I know, I know, I know, I know,
I know, I know, I know, I know, I know,
I know, I know,
Hey, I oughtta leave young thing alone
But ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone

Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone
Only darkness every day.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone
And this house just ain’t no home
Anytime she goes away.
Anytime she goes away.
Anytime she goes away.
Anytime she goes away.

Exclusive Look at Everyone at AISU Right Now

Images of everyone associated with AISU have just been released:

                       

Also released were photos of people at AISU who have not heard the news yet:

  

Those poor, naïve souls. They’re so peaceful; so oblivious. To them, everything is still normal. Oh, how blissful it must be to live in that carefree mirage. They have no idea that everything is about to collapse right in front of their eyes. As soon as they wake up, their lives will change. But for now, enjoy the peace of not knowing. Savor it. For now, it is paradise.

Either that, or it’s the seniors who aren’t going to be here next year and don’t have to worry about it. Those suckers are the real lucky ones. To them, we say: apply to ASU (it’s only one letter short of AISU, after all. And it’s stealing from us the one thing we love). *CRIES AGAIN*

BREAKING: AISU OFFICIALLY HAS NOTHING LEFT TO LIVE FOR

THE EDITORS FOR THE GRAVY ARE UNABLE TO WRITE CONTENT FOR THIS POST DUE TO CRYING