Murray, UT – Rumors concerning changes to be made for the American International School of Utah’s 3rd year have circulated through the school, reportedly leaving emotional damage in their wake. Experts are comparing these “earth-shattering,” “ground-breaking” changes to recent earthquakes in Japan and Ecuador, except that these changes are expected to be more dramatic and perhaps require more cleanup afterwards.
AISU has announced a “launch party” tonight at 7:00 pm to clarify some plans and address the public’s greatest fears. Unofficially referred to as the “abolition of hope party” or the “party of doom,” the meeting is expected to introduce changes such as an alternating block schedule (also known as A-day/B-day schedule), 80-minute classes, a longer school day with an earlier start time, two high school lunches, removal of resources from the Mike cloning machine, removal of all chairs, a dress code based on Lady Gaga’s wardrobe, and many other terrible things.
A recent study found that 100% of students, parents, and teachers polled at AISU, along with the surrounding high schools and colleges, are “highly afraid” of the consequences of the changes. The AISU school board is not overly concerned about these findings, explaining that one reason they are making these changes is to “shake things up a bit.”
“The same old program and schedule can get very old for those of us who have the authority to change things,” one school board member said. “So we sometimes like to make changes just so that we don’t get too bored. And we try to make them as destructive as possible and see if we can raise North Korea’s eyebrows, just for fun.”
Emergency response personnel initially advised students to seek refuge in the nearest safe high school, until it was discovered that none of them has an amazing performing arts program. Students are now being told that they have permission to freak out and throw things. Many students have said that they will be holding their arms over their heads for the remainder of the school year in case the school decides to demolish the roof, which wouldn’t surprise them, because as one student cried, “They’ve already demolished our high school lives.”
The Daily Gravy 
Student Petition to the School Board AND TOWN HALL MEETING THURSDAY AT 7PM MURRAY LIBRARY EVERYONE WELCOME
If you want to make your voice be heard regarding the unjust termination of great people such as Mike Farley, Steve Farley, Greg Farley (Steve’s clone who worked as a lunch lady), and Kelly Casaday, you now have a great means to do so. Join your fellow students in voicing their disappointment in decisions made by the AISU board of directors in a cool and productive way.
Follow this link to the student petition: Students’ Petition (Conceived and Written by Students)
Note: Mike Farley and all other adults mentioned have no knowledge of the writing of this petition.
Also, if you are a parent, sign this petition: Parent Petition (written and conceived by parents)
If you are neither of these, but care about Mike and Steve and Greg and Kelly a great deal, sign either one. I don’t care. No matter who you are, though please do not sign both. We want this to be as honest and legal of a process as possible, as boring as that is. If you are a student AND a parent (we won’t judge), I guess you can sign both. Otherwise, stay honest please.
IMPORTANT UPDATE:
THERE WILL BE A TOWN HALL Q&A WITH MIKE FARLEY, WHO WILL, WITH A LEGAL INFORMANT, BE ANSWERING ANY QUESTIONS THAT YOU, STUDENTS, PARENTS, OR UNCONNECTED COMMUNITY MEMBERS, MAY HAVE.
IT WILL BE AT 7:00 PM MOUNTAIN TIME, THURSDAY JULY 6, AT THE MURRAY LIBRARY (166 E. 5300 S., Murray UT, 84107).
SEE PICTURE FOR MORE DETAILS.