AISU – On Thursday, September 1, the American International School of Utah Athletics Director Mike Stumph “finally” confessed to stealing cookies from the cookie jar when he was a young child.
After more than 30 years of avoiding the subject with vague terms such as “Who, me? Couldn’t be.” and evasively shifting blame onto peers and coworkers, Stumph decided it was time to “come into the light” and admit his crime.
“After denying something like that for so long, it really devours you, just as I devoured that cookie many years ago.”
“It is with great regret that I inform you that I haven’t been a completely honest and trustworthy man for my entire life,” said a visibly shaken Stumph at an emergency press conference he held in the men’s bathroom. “I’ve made mistakes, some bigger than others, and it’s time I told you all the truth. … I stole the cookies from the cookie jar.”
The confession provoked tears and jeers from students, many of whom said it would “definitely” create trust issues in the future . The happiest person leaving the bathroom that day was the middle school student who found a silver dollar in the urinal. But the second happiest person leaving the bathroom that day was Stumph, who says he felt like a “cookie-sized yet incredibly heavy” burden had been lifted after confessing.
“It wasn’t easy,” Stumph said of coming clean. “After denying something like that for so long, it really devours you, just as I devoured that cookie many years ago.
“The guilt had been eating at my soul, as if it were a delicious cookie,” Stumph continued, “and to finally admit it feels like a weight has been taken from my shoulders, just as the cookie was taken from the cookie jar.”
Since the announcement, students appear to have completely lost respect for Stumph, calling him a “cookie monster” and either ignoring him or talking back to him even more than usual when he asks them where they’re supposed to be or tells them to get back to class.
The school’s administration has not yet officially commented. However, a reliable source says she heard from a reliable source that a reliable source told her that a reliable source said that the school is planning to discipline Stumph harshly, either by sending him to time-out, revoking his Chromebook privileges, taking away his pin, or another form of torture. Stumph has said he will conform to any discipline the school gives him, saying he understands he has done a very bad thing, but that he really hopes they don’t take away his pin.
The Daily Gravy 
Student Petition to the School Board AND TOWN HALL MEETING THURSDAY AT 7PM MURRAY LIBRARY EVERYONE WELCOME
If you want to make your voice be heard regarding the unjust termination of great people such as Mike Farley, Steve Farley, Greg Farley (Steve’s clone who worked as a lunch lady), and Kelly Casaday, you now have a great means to do so. Join your fellow students in voicing their disappointment in decisions made by the AISU board of directors in a cool and productive way.
Follow this link to the student petition: Students’ Petition (Conceived and Written by Students)
Note: Mike Farley and all other adults mentioned have no knowledge of the writing of this petition.
Also, if you are a parent, sign this petition: Parent Petition (written and conceived by parents)
If you are neither of these, but care about Mike and Steve and Greg and Kelly a great deal, sign either one. I don’t care. No matter who you are, though please do not sign both. We want this to be as honest and legal of a process as possible, as boring as that is. If you are a student AND a parent (we won’t judge), I guess you can sign both. Otherwise, stay honest please.
IMPORTANT UPDATE:
THERE WILL BE A TOWN HALL Q&A WITH MIKE FARLEY, WHO WILL, WITH A LEGAL INFORMANT, BE ANSWERING ANY QUESTIONS THAT YOU, STUDENTS, PARENTS, OR UNCONNECTED COMMUNITY MEMBERS, MAY HAVE.
IT WILL BE AT 7:00 PM MOUNTAIN TIME, THURSDAY JULY 6, AT THE MURRAY LIBRARY (166 E. 5300 S., Murray UT, 84107).
SEE PICTURE FOR MORE DETAILS.