Jacksonville, FL – As many NFL fans know, the Super Bowl 50 Champion Denver Broncos are looking to fill the large void left by retiring QB legend and G.O.A.T. Peyton Manning and spoiled brat and giant man Brock Whatshisface. What many fans do not know is that the Jacksonville Jaguars have been looking to fill voids in all positions—on offense and defense—for many years now, to absolutely no avail.
Fortunately for the Jaguars, help has arrived, and in a very tall way. Just days before the NFL draft, Mike Stumph, the American International School of Utah’s hall monitor and athletic director, who is at least 6’5”, has reportedly offered to play “all positions” for Jacksonville, effective immediately.
According to Mike’s agent, Ekim Hpmuts, Mike is “overly qualified” to play every position on the Jaguars’ roster, due to the fact that he has never lost an NFL game, he is moderately tall, he has a coffee maker in his office, he has successfully sent at least 6 students back to class in the past year, and he hasn’t had a serious injury in 8 years.
Sources say the Jaguars are leaning toward using each of their picks in the upcoming draft to select Stumph, saying that he is “currently our best option,” especially since he is, according to the Elias Sports Bureau, “the only person in the history of football to ever want to play for the Jaguars.”
Mike Stumph has also reached out to the Raiders, but they were reportedly too busy celebrating last season’s 7-9 record and didn’t hear the phone ring. NFL analysts predict that if Stumph were to join either team, the fan base would increase significantly—by a solid “1 million percent” because “it doesn’t matter how much you multiply zero by, it always equals, like, a million or something.”
The only foreseeable downside to this arrangement for the Jaguars is that if Stumph ever suffers an injury, Jacksonville will lose all of its starters at once. However, Mike has made known to Jacksonville’s front office via Twitter that he has “almost superhuman” stamina, agility, and strength. He also cites his “unearthly” team spirit, even on a team like the Jaguars.
Attempts to contact Jaguar fans for reaction were unsuccessful, though some fans of Jaguar brand automobiles were available for comment. Mostly they seemed confused by the question and surprised that Jacksonville was still fielding a football team. Stumph, for his part, plans to change the perception surrounding his new team. “I intend to help the Jaguars make a name for themselves in the NFL,” he said in a prepared statement. “And that name, of course, will be Mike Stumph.”
The Daily Gravy 
Student Petition to the School Board AND TOWN HALL MEETING THURSDAY AT 7PM MURRAY LIBRARY EVERYONE WELCOME
If you want to make your voice be heard regarding the unjust termination of great people such as Mike Farley, Steve Farley, Greg Farley (Steve’s clone who worked as a lunch lady), and Kelly Casaday, you now have a great means to do so. Join your fellow students in voicing their disappointment in decisions made by the AISU board of directors in a cool and productive way.
Follow this link to the student petition: Students’ Petition (Conceived and Written by Students)
Note: Mike Farley and all other adults mentioned have no knowledge of the writing of this petition.
Also, if you are a parent, sign this petition: Parent Petition (written and conceived by parents)
If you are neither of these, but care about Mike and Steve and Greg and Kelly a great deal, sign either one. I don’t care. No matter who you are, though please do not sign both. We want this to be as honest and legal of a process as possible, as boring as that is. If you are a student AND a parent (we won’t judge), I guess you can sign both. Otherwise, stay honest please.
IMPORTANT UPDATE:
THERE WILL BE A TOWN HALL Q&A WITH MIKE FARLEY, WHO WILL, WITH A LEGAL INFORMANT, BE ANSWERING ANY QUESTIONS THAT YOU, STUDENTS, PARENTS, OR UNCONNECTED COMMUNITY MEMBERS, MAY HAVE.
IT WILL BE AT 7:00 PM MOUNTAIN TIME, THURSDAY JULY 6, AT THE MURRAY LIBRARY (166 E. 5300 S., Murray UT, 84107).
SEE PICTURE FOR MORE DETAILS.