AISU—Due to the shock AISU choirs and theater programs are now facing due to not blowing everyone away with their performance at the Shakespearean Festival, administration has chosen to give music and theater students one month off to adapt to not being the best without trying anymore.
As Mark Smith said, “Times are clearly changing, and the AISU choral and theater programs can’t just waltz into performances and expect to blow everyone away like they used to. Why this has changed, I don’t know. But I do know this: it is certainly not due to decreased support from administration towards the performing arts following the departure of the Farleys. Definitely not that. But rather than thinking about ways that I can fix this, I am place all students who did not dominate their respective competitions on one month of administrative leave. During this time, you should use think about what you have done, feel awful about yourselves, and consider transferring schools.”
Some students are excited about this month off of school, but others have noted eerie similarities between this month of leave and the “leave” granted to Mike Farley before he was wrongly fired. Meanwhile, the dance program remains in the sweet familiarity of being better than everyone else.
Murray, UT—The American International School of Utah (AISU) choral program came into this school year with an understandable sense of uncertainty. The legend that was Ms. Erica is gone; many of the most talented students transferred or graduated; and Kelly was fired, which brought general happiness levels to an all-time low throughout the school. Needless to say, the future didn’t seem too bright for the AISU choral program.
The only thing AISU choirs really got to look forward to this year was the new choir director, Ms. Houghton. Possibly even more overqualified than Ms. Erica was for this job, Ms. Houghton reportedly taught Ms. Erica everything she knows about choral directing—and that’s a lot. However, some experts have expressed a concern: Given Ms. Houghton’s amazingness, will the choirs still be able to get as much sucking out in rehearsals?
The AISU choirs’ well-known awesomeness has long been attributed to their ability to sound downright awful during rehearsals, so that by the time a performance came along, there was no suckiness left in the performers, leaving only pleasant sounds that impressed judges.
Would a talented director like Ms. Houghton be able to get her students to suck sufficiently during rehearsals to keep this tradition going? After almost four weeks of choir, this concern has been thoroughly settled, as choir members and spectators alike have been overwhelmed by the unexpected amount of sucking the choirs have been getting out already. One choir analyst reports, “The first week of choir, both choirs were sounding really nice. They had a great sound and blended well and seemed to be picking things up really quickly. So obviously, we were really concerned. Devastated, in fact. It crushed a lot of hopes that AISU would be able to compete again.” He continues, “Luckily, by the third week, both choirs had gotten back to it and are sucking at a much more acceptable rate! Based on how much they’re sucking, there’s a good chance they won’t have any sucking left by the time they compete at the upcoming Shakespeare Festival!”
A student from the tenor section added, “I can only speak for my section, but we’ve sucked so much already! Nobody can hold a part, we can’t stay in tune, and we couldn’t find our notes if our lives depended on it. In fact, we have so much trouble finding our notes that by the time we compete at Shakespeare next week, there won’t be any notes left besides the right ones! I’ve never been more optimistic about our progress. I think our section alone has gotten more sucking out over these first two weeks than probably any choir has at AISU so far.”
Ms. Houghton also commented, saying, “To be honest, I didn’t know the AISU choirs had this much sucking in them! Erica has told me stories and everything, of course, but I thought she was exaggerating!” She added, beaming, occasionally slipping into a Boston accent. “I’ve never heard a choir who has been able to get this much sucking out in rehearsals, and I’m very proud.”
Word of all this sucking has reached competition judges, who reportedly have responded by engraving “AISU” into all of their trophies and plaques, just to save time.
Buy your authentic “I got all the sucking out in rehearsals” AISU Performing Arts button pin HERE (comes in various sizes) (proceeds go to preservation of future awards AISU will undoubtedly win).
It’s not too late to finish up your back-to-school shopping before the first trimester starts! Because the Daily Gravy loves you and wants what’s best for you, we have provided below the essential back-to-school shopping list for all your AISU 2017-18 school year needs! Sponsored by Wal-Mart.
Whooping cough vaccinations
After last year’s outbreak at AISU, the official slogan for pertussis vaccinations changed from “It’s worth getting autism” to the more relevant “Vaccinate your students, or you’ll get fired from your own school, Ms. Erica will leave, your brothers will also get fired, Kelly will get fired, everyone will die inside, and eventually the school you created with so much hope and potential will be converted to the new county jail.”
Academic Edgeiblity™ forms by Ekim Hpmuts
Remember last year when the school cracked down on Academic Eligibility forms, which students had to turn in before participating in school activities? Well this year, students can skip the hassle of actually achieving academic eligibility and purchase one of these new Academic Edgeibility™ forms, which [not sure where you were going with this, but here’s a guess] teach students the important life lessons that money is more important that qualifications, that buying something is an acceptable alternative to working for it, and that anything worth having is worth paying for (not figuratively but in a literal, monetary sense). Who knows, someday our students may apply these lessons and become President of the United States.
No school year is complete without this classic necessity. Although AISU is mostly Chromebook-based, crayons are still important for scribbling cryptic images on the walls and drawing stick figures of your favorite staff members for them to hang on their refrigerators at home.
Everybody knows that no school year would be complete without our favorite Kelly Casaday. He is by far the most important item on this list.
3 extra Chromebook chargers
Because you’ll lose one of them, one of them is going to break, and one will probably be stolen by your creepy neighbor’s garden gnomes.
Show your love for (almost) everyone’s favorite superduperintendent and turn heads with this fashionable attire! Available in a variety of custom clothing items on zazzle.com (note: choose a dark color for best results). Get the t-shirt HERE. All proceeds go to Zazzle and the Find the Farleys charity program. (Or get a less stylish, discounted version HERE, if your love for Mike Farley is bound by monetary restrictions).
Without Greg as our head lunch lady, school lunches are sure to be extra-inedible this coming year. Get ahead of the game by purchasing your own edible food, such as hot Cheetos and Coca-Cola.
This concludes the Daily Gravy’s essential back-to-school shopping list. Failure to purchase any of these items, and the attendant consequences, are now squarely on you.
He prefers the disco version, but the house & radio versions are also acceptable.
Make sure to play this for him every time he’s in earshot, unless you want to get terminated—which we wouldn’t blame you for, except Mr. Huish and Dr. Sarah are worth staying for, and we’re not sure exactly how literal the word “termination” is in this case. It’s probably best if you bookmark the page.
The Utah state charter board recently “strongly suggested” that the AISU board of directors add Dan Griffiths, a deceased Welsh rugby player, to the board, in order to help with finances (something that Dan Griffiths has helped other boards with, and something that the AISU school board is not supposed to have anything to do with). Read Dan Griffith’s full bio here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dan_Griffiths, and/or read a short summary below:
Dan Griffiths (1857-1946) was a Welsh rugby player and coal miner, who now helps school boards disobey their own bylaws from beyond the grave. He only ever played 2 international rugby games, both for Wales, and ended his career 1-1. He likely died from a combination of rugby injuries, lung problems from coal mining, trying to pronounce the name of the place he was born (Cwmduad), and angry time-travelling AISU students and parents who poisoned his food before giving him a chance to make things right by overthrowing the rest of the school board hunger games-style and reinstating the Farleys and Kelly. Staff members probably would have gone, too, if they weren’t afraid of getting fired. So now’s your chance, Dan. We’re watching you, one foot in the time machine.
Rugby: the only sport where men can wear short shorts and be tough at the same time.
This is a scrum. It is as intense as it looks. It might have also been a cause of Dan Griffith’s 1936 death.
Yes, old-timey basketball had short shorts, too, but it wasn’t tough enough. That’s why they don’t have short shorts anymore. Rugby’s short shorts remain, because they’re tough enough to make up for it.
Disclaimer: Dan Griffiths, Cwmduad-born deceased Welsh international rugby player and the new member of the AISU school board, is not to be confused with Daniel Griffiths, currently living Welsh rugby player, Coedcae School alumni. Dan played forward, Daniel plays fly-half/fullback. They’re very distinct, really.
Note: The AISU board is still looking for approximately 3 new members. If you are a caring parent or community member (or even student) who likes attending last-minute monthly meetings and making crucial decisions about AISU that you probably aren’t authorized to make, or if you know someone who has those qualities, apply to be a member of the school board by following this link: tinyurl.com/y8d2wjvm
Note, the sequel: if you get chosen when you sign up through the gravy, you are volunteering to take on the rest of the school board to a fight to the death hunger games-style, and/or go to all the meetings covering your ears and singing “Reinstate Mike Farley” at the top of your lungs the whole time.
Note, the trilogy: sign one of these petitions so that you don’t have to be on a board with the same people who break their own bylaws. That probably isn’t a positive environment to be in. Student Petition or if you’re a Parent or misc. community member Parent Petition
AISU—The American International School of Utah’s board of directors and some administration members held a community meeting on Tuesday to discuss subjects they had previously refused to comment on. In the meeting, they continued refusing to comment on these subjects. However, each attending member of the board (2 members) and members of school administration did have pieces of food in their teeth. This meant that while community members watched AISU metaphorically crumble to pieces, they also got to watch the school board and administration’s teeth do the same thing due to cavities and delayed dental checkups.
One of the subjects they refused to comment on was the removal of Mike Farley and if and when he will return. Many community members were frustrated by this, since Farley’s firing was their main concern and primary reason for attending the meeting. However, after the meeting, several people reported other things to be concerned about, including: When the last time Mark Smith has flossed was? If the number of success coaches is being cut in half, will the amount of success be cut in half as well? And was that a two-month-old cheeseburger in between Dr. Maxfield’s left canine and first premolar?
The board and administration also refused to tell some angry theater kids (who had attended the meeting in Shakespearian attire and asked every question using broken Victorian English with a British accent) who the new drama instructor will be. They did say that Mindy chose the replacement and is very excited about him, which worries theater students. Don Miller, the band instructor, is also being replaced, but administrators would not reveal the name of person replacing him, except to say he will be a “perfect fit,” which worries the band students. Mr. Justis’s right upper lateral incisor fell out and immediately disintegrated, which didn’t seem to faze any of the students at all.
The one piece of useful information that was given at this meeting was that Mike Farley was released for financial mismanagement, such as paying for fees the school owed out of his personal money. A piece of useful information that was not given was that the school board should not be involved in financial decisions, according to its own bylaws. The board and administration also said that their legal advisors had advised them not to release information concerning the termination of the entire Farley family, likely because the terminations were illegal, but it remains a possibility that they could not say any more because they were afraid that their teeth would shatter.
At one point during the meeting, the school board engaged in a shouting match with a member of the audience, during which a board member claimed she didn’t know that minutes from board meetings were not being posted online. The audience responded that this was a lie, and furthermore, that the school board member had something green in her teeth. The board member responded very loudly to say that she didn’t have anything in her teeth, because she brushed her teeth right before this meeting (which was also determined to be a lie, according to the Daily GravyFact Checker).
The meeting adjourned with refreshments, which were cookies shaped like the Farleys’ heads and opened cans of soda filled with backwash, later discovered to be Mark Smith’s mouthwash.
The Daily Gravy Fact Checker is a fact checker that checks “facts” that have anything to do with AISU, someone currently or once affiliated with AISU, or something said in the vicinity of AISU and overheard by someone at AISU. These “facts” are checked through a vigorous scientific checking process that you wouldn’t understand. So let’s get on with it:
1. Ex-superduperintendent (and hopefully future superduperintendent) Mike Farley said in his town hall Q&A that the school will still survive and will continue to be a place that fosters creativity, talent, and bad cafeteria food. The Daily Gravy Fact Checker has determined this to be a PARTIAL LIE. The Daily Gravy has confirmed on multiple occasions that AISU will likely not survive, especially without Mike Farley, and that it will definitely stop fostering creativity and talent. Professional statistics and stuff show that, without Mike Farley (let alone Kelly Casaday, Steve Farley, and Steve’s clone, Greg), AISU is on the path to becoming very similar to the Smile Away Reformatory School from Phineas and Ferb, except with a better performing arts program, assuming Dr. Sarah doesn’t jump ship. It is true, however, that the cafeteria food will continue to be bad, most likely.
2. Russell Westbrook, the 2017 NBA MVP, claims that he once used an AISU toenail clipper (designed and created by AISU legend Kelly Casaday) to clip his the nails of his Maltese The Brodie. The Daily Gravy Fact Checker has determined this to be a TRUTH. First off, why would Russell Westbrook lie about that? Secondly, we’ve seen pictures of The Brodie, and that toenail perfection can only be achieved by the unique clipping capabilities of the exclusive AISU toenail clipper.
3. A member of the school board claimed during a recent community meeting that neither she nor the rest of the school board knew that the minutes of the board meetings were not being posted online. She also claimed that she had recently brushed her teeth. The Daily Gravy Fact Checker has determined this to be a BLATANT DOUBLE LIE. The Daily Gravy has sent multiple ambassadors to AISU board of directors meetings since December 2016 for the sole purpose of informing them that their minutes had not been posted online, even though this is both customary and required by law. Though the meetings were nearly impossible to attend (thanks to the illegal uncooperativeness of the school board), and the board was not very good at listening to our information, our loyal and intrepid representatives (caring parents of students) are true warriors, so they somehow attended the meetings anyway and got the message to the board multiple times. It is therefore impossible for the board not to have known that the minutes were not being posted. Also, it is common knowledge that the board prioritizes the students’ well-being over basic dental hygiene, and since they have definitely not been focusing on students’ well-being at all over the past several months, there is no possible way they could have even touched their Oral-B Pro 7000 SmartSeries Black Electronic Power Rechargeable Toothbrush with Bluetooth Connectivity Powered by Braun yet.
4. AISU luminary Mike Farley has said that he cares deeply for the students and staff and administration members and wants more than anything to see us succeed. The Daily Gravy Fact Checker has determined this to be a TRUTH. In fact, truer words have never been said.
5. Rudy Gobert, the best center in the NBA and an acknowledged Frenchman, hoping to revive the spirits of the AISU community while they witness AISU’s downfall, plans to purchase AISU in the near future and immediately reinstate the Farleys and Kelly. The Daily Gravy Fact Checker has determined this to be CURRENTLY INDISCERNIBLE, BUT HOPEFULLY TRUE. Sometimes, all you have is hope. And at those times, you must cling tenaciously to that hope, slim though it may be. If this does happen, though, it is almost certain that Gobert will rename AISU “the Rudy Gobert School of French, Blocking Shots, and Cryptic Hair Designs” or “RGSFBSCHD” for short. It is also widely believed that the new name will not change how the school operates, except that it is likely to place greater emphasis on not doing stupid things. So far, Gobert has been reticent when asked whether he plans to buy AISU, in some cases denying that he has ever heard of the school. However, the Daily Gravy Fact Checker has confirmed that during a recent, supposedly unrelated press conference, Gobert clearly blinked at exactly the 49.98 second mark and then nodded his head slightly. This subtle but undeniable hint is what the AISU community is currently hitching its hopes to. Yep, that’s the state of things.
This has been the Daily Gravy Fact Checker, Vol. 1. If you or your diabetic gecko have anything pertaining to AISU or not pertaining to AISU that you want checked for facts, email us at firstname.lastname@example.org. If you cannot email us because you have PTSD from the urgent alone email thread or the sitting-on-the-floor email thread, you may comment below. Thank you.
Salt Lake City, Utah—Earlier this week, many Utahns (and residents of surrounding states without a professional basketball team) had a somber undertone to their 4th of July festivities when Utah Jazz basketball star and League of Legends player Gordon Hayward announced that he was leaving Utah to join the Boston Celtics.
The news came as a shock to many fans. In Utah, many speculated, Hayward could have a higher salary, a higher probability of running into Donny Osmond, and a lower probability of getting his shots blocked by Rudy Gobert (except in practices). In Boston, on the other hand, he would have an arena overstuffed with championship banners, a higher probability of running into Tom Brady, and a borderline racist team logo.
And yet, he still chose Boston. This in spite of the fact that Jazz fans have created hashtags featuring wordplays on Hayward’s name, paid for billboards with Hayward’s picture on them, and posted YouTube videos of themselves begging him to stay, which isn’t creepy or pathetic at all.
In Utah … Hayward could have a higher salary, a higher probability of running into Donny Osmond, and a lower probability of getting his shots blocked by Rudy Gobert (except in practices).
Some have speculated that Hayward is leaving for Boston because his old college coach, Brad Stevens, now coaches the Celtics, giving Boston a sentimental advantage. However, it remains a fact that Hayward is an acknowledged professional athlete, who does not have actual feelings and who cares only about money, social media, and winning, in that order. So there must be some other explanation.
As analysts and fans continue to puzzle over Hayward’s baffling decision, the Daily Gravy has recently received exclusive insider info that Hayward’s departure had nothing to do with sentimentality and everything to do with the AISU school board.
In case you didn’t know, the board of directors of the American International School of Utah (AISU) have recently been accused of abusing their power (possibly unintentionally), not following their own standards and bylaws (probably intentionally), and refusing to brush their teeth (definitely intentionally). Some examples of their abuses of power include removing Michael Farley as manager of its parent organization, AIS, and attempting to use expired Burger King coupons as admission to Beyoncé concerts. A couple of outspoken sports analysts have surmised that the controversy surrounding the school board (or possibly Ms. Erica’s departure) was likely a major factor in Hayward’s decision to leave.
However, an inside source has informed the Daily Gravy of the real reason: The AISU school board fired him.
The informant, who asked to be called “anything except my real name, I don’t care, just don’t tell them it’s me, Gordon Hayward,” explained that he could not reveal the grounds for the firing for fear of losing severance pay, but possible reasons include the fact that Hayward was an important, foundational, well-loved member of the community. As AISU student and parents know, the school board has recently become notorious for firing such people (without authorization to do so). In fact, some students and parents had said that they expected this to happen after seeing it happen with Mike Farley, saying the firing of Gordon Hayward was a predictable next step. Other AISU students asked, “Who’s Gordon Hayward? Is he in the Chamber Choir? What part does he sing?”
Experts are now trying to predict what the school board will do next, with many agreeing that they will likely fire Justin Trudeau, Taylor Swift, and/or Pope Francis. In response, students and parents have written a petition demanding a reorganization of the board, in order to protect Pope Francis and other influential world leaders from meeting the same unwarranted and unlawful demise as Hayward and Farley.
The school board has refused to comment on this issue, or any issue, for that matter. Gordon Hayward did say that he’ll be in touch with AISU’s choir directors, previous and current, for information about the city of Boston, as both directors have ties there. He also still plans to audition for the AISU choral program, just as he does every year, and hopes that he’ll be accepted at least once before the school shuts down. He also said (anonymously) that AISU’s lawyers have banned him from any contact with the school, which is why he isn’t following you on instagram. He apologizes for that and hopes the ban is lifted so he can. AISU staff members are also banned from contacting him, even through social media, with the threat of termination. For now, though, AISU students, parents, and staff members (although don’t tell anyone they say this, because they could get fired) encourage you to boo the AISU board of directors at the Jazz v. Boston game this season (and sign the petition and attend the town hall meeting, if you’re serious about it).
If you want to make your voice be heard regarding the unjust termination of great people such as Mike Farley, Steve Farley, Greg Farley (Steve’s clone who worked as a lunch lady), and Kelly Casaday, you now have a great means to do so. Join your fellow students in voicing their disappointment in decisions made by the AISU board of directors in a cool and productive way.
If you are neither of these, but care about Mike and Steve and Greg and Kelly a great deal, sign either one. I don’t care. No matter who you are, though please do not sign both. We want this to be as honest and legal of a process as possible, as boring as that is. If you are a student AND a parent (we won’t judge), I guess you can sign both. Otherwise, stay honest please.
THERE WILL BE A TOWN HALL Q&A WITH MIKE FARLEY, WHO WILL, WITH A LEGAL INFORMANT, BE ANSWERING ANY QUESTIONS THAT YOU, STUDENTS, PARENTS, OR UNCONNECTED COMMUNITY MEMBERS, MAY HAVE.
IT WILL BE AT 7:00 PM MOUNTAIN TIME, THURSDAY JULY 6, AT THE MURRAY LIBRARY (166 E. 5300 S., Murray UT, 84107).
If you feel like your life is missing something, maybe you should try writing satirical newspaper articles for The Gravy. But only if you enjoy amazingness.
E-mail AISUGRAVY@GMAIL.COM with your offensive and extremely vulgar article, and we'll review, edit, and post it - guaranteed!