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The Daily Gravy

Still crying—AISU's Only Reliable News Source

Goodbye, AISU

It’s official: The school will be closing down at the end of the 2018-2019 school year, with the last day of AISU as a company being on or before August 19th. We don’t want to say that we told you so, but our journalistic integrity insists that we must.

We told you so.

The primary reason for the shut down is mismanagement of funds. That ranges anywhere from Special Education funds, to Foreign Exchange Student funds, to Keeping a Theater Teacher for More than Two Years funds, to Transportation funds. The Utah State Board of Education (or USBE, as they’re known to their college friends) gave the school money for these funds, but AISU did not spend the money on the things that they promised. Not only that, but they failed to keep the receipts for the things that they did spend their money on, citing the fact that they “didn’t want their wallet to get too cluttered”.

Another reason is the semi-legal agreements that AISU has with Realms of Inquiry. Granted, The Daily Gravy been distrustful of Realms from the beginning, what with their “official permits for exchange students” and “committed staff and student body” who “pay to be there” and “direct their own learning”. Sounds suspicious, doesn’t it?

Whatever the true cause of the tragic passing of AISU, we here at the Gravy know that at times like this, the bereaved often need to say a few words. We’re here for you. You’re welcome.

One teacher, who asked not to be identified, while devastated that they would be losing their job, commented that, “If the school did stay open another year, it would be like trying to break your dying, deadbeat dad out of prison. While he is super cool and original, he hasn’t taken very good care of you while he was in your life, and the more you try to save him, the less the government will like you. Plus there’s no guarantee he’ll be able to pay us once he gets out before he dies.”

A student who asked not to be identified called out to any juniors or struggling seniors looking to graduate this year, referencing the fact that they have “a surplus of credits” and that he’s willing to sell them for “any memorabilia of Brian Donahue and/or Robert Pyles”.

One AISU alum who asked not to be identified mentioned that they did not care what happened to the school, saying that they “jumped ship a while ago”, and only kept in touch with any AISU representatives to deal Pokemon cards.

Truman Barnes, late night assembly host and former school mascot candidate, who asked not to be identified, said that “I guess you could say this school is dra-GONE, huh? Will you use that pun in your article? Could you use that pun in that article? Make sure you use that pun in your article.” It should be noted that the Gravy correspondent, after conducting this interview, sighed deeply, shook his head and walked away.

Another teacher said, “Quick word to any and all students who are thinking about stealing things from the school: If the school is so bad at fiscal management, how good do you think they’ll be at taking inventory?” The teacher asked to not be identified.

One student, who asked not to be interviewed, was somehow left unawares of the shut down, and said simply that they were “excited to be a part of the entirely legal and well-staffed AISU 6.0”.

An alum who asked not to be I.D.’d when he entered the bar commented on the Farley Fire’s effect on the situation: “Many people used to say we dodged a bullet by firing the Farleys and everyone affiliated with them. The thing is, though, by dodging that bullet, we placed ourselves in front of thousands of other bullets that were also being shot at us. I need to go to the hospital.”

It’s a very scary time to be an AISU student, unless you’re a well-off senior or a high-achieving junior. Even then, the prospects of no AISU to mold any more future citizens is a frightening thought. The only likely way to continue in future years is to be, essentially, absorbed by another, much more financially sound, charter school. But wouldn’t being A.P.A.I.S.U. be a fate truly worse than death? And the only way to continue AISU as we know it is to tweet every hour on the hour to Elon Musk with the hashtag #SaveAISU. Please do your part. Or don’t, I can’t force you. Because of the restraining order.

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Final Letter to AISU

AISU,

 

We, AISU’s first legacy class, the first class to start and end our high school careers with AISU, would like a refund. We’ve been with you through the thick and the thin, and stuck with a new, struggling high school from the very beginning, and we’ve decided that it wasn’t worth it. We’ve endured through Own It, Gradpoint, Buzz, GCE, Aleks, Mulberry, and many other incompatible curriculums you’ve changed on us every year, all of which have sucked. This is why we would like to kindly request that you return these 4 crucial developmental years we’ve given you over our high school careers immediately.

 

Make no mistake, there are some things we have enjoyed. These include Kelly, the performing arts (in years 2 and 3), and making fun of Mike Stumph. Despite this request, we are still thankful for these things and others. However, now that Kelly is gone and the performing arts once again sucks (and not only in rehearsals), we’ve begun to completely realize that, overall, our high school experience has been

 

NOTICE: we gave up on writing this letter less than halfway through, similar to how you gave up on giving us a quality education. Goodbye.

 

 

 

This is the last post that the Daily Gravy will ever make concerning current events around AISU. Posts made about previous AISU events are greatly unlikely, but still possible. We would rather not know what AISU is going to become in year 5 (or “AISU 5.0” as they’re likely calling it), and we will certainly not be posting about it. Things to look for from the Gravy include the full-length broadway musical “AISUsical,” shows such as “AISUPD,” and more, all of which focus purely on Farley-era AISU, and pretend it never ended. Wouldn’t that have been nice? This is goodbye to AISU, but not to the dream of what Farley-era AISU was and could be. It’s just a see-you-later to our Farley-era dreams. We’ll think of you every time we have to retake our G.E.D., when reading our cease-and-desist orders from colleges we’ve applied to 157 times, or when clipping our toenails on the concrete floor of the homeless shelters we live in—unless you’re one of those really successful performing arts kids (you know who you are); they’ll think of you every time they step outside of their multi-billion dollar mansion or happen to pass nearby Murray, UT, in one of their private helicopters. Either way, goodbye to the building and the ugly carpet and the new management, but just “see you later” to the Farley-era dream and what came with that. We will keep you alive the best we can (without actually doing anything responsible or considerably difference-making).

Shaun Barrowes Accidentally Makes New Single after Eating Year-Old Fiery Doritos Locos Taco from Taco Bell, Donates Proceeds to AISU Choirs and Lesser Schools

Murray, UT—On Monday, Shaun Barrowes (a singer/songwriter, famous to himself and possibly his mother), released a combination of sounds and his voice, along with someone else’s song, inside an album on Spotify called AISU Fundraiser. Every time these songs are played on this album, all proceeds go to the AISU choir program. The Daily Gravy strongly suggests opening the Spotify link in a new tab, clicking mute, and leaving it on repeat for the next month straight to support AISU’s choral program’s hoped-for trip Carnegie Hall this summer.

This act of kindness wasn’t completely out of character for Barrowes, who is known for “probably at least having his heart in the right place, most of the time.” What is seen as uncharacteristic about the act of kindness, however, is the “act” part. “We’re not used to Shaun acting [so quickly] on his good intentions,” said a person familiar with Barrowes’s previous experiences with AISU. “But we’re thankful for whatever inexplicable, supernatural forces are at work here.”

Experts, who are never satisfied with “inexplicable,” let alone “supernatural,” are still looking for a more rational explanation. Luckily for these experts, and for all of us, really, the Daily Gravy has done some of their signature detective reporting work, and has discovered what drove Barrowes to have enough work ethic to finish an entire song for AISU.

Sources reveal that somewhere in Shaun Barrowes’s “Shaun Cave” late Sunday night, the singer/songwriter was digging around in his “Shaun Fridge” when he found a leftover, partially-eaten Fiery Doritos Locos Taco from Taco Bell. Carbon dating of taco residue left in the fridge reveals that the taco was somewhere between 1 and 4 years old; in fact, scientists estimate that it may have been one of the first Fiery Doritos Locos Tacos ever sold by Taco Bell. When Shaun discovered it, there were a few bites taken out of the taco, and it is yet to be determined whether the bites were taken by Barrowes or one of the many dead wild animals found in the Shaun Cave. With that and only a few medium-sized green splotches reported to be on the half-soggy taco, Barrowes naturally ate it.

Of course, it is not unusual for Taco Bell food to be left half-eaten in the fridge. And, as typically happens when one actually finishes a meal from Taco Bell, Shaun Barrowes went into a state of delirium that overpowered his lack of responsibility and endowed him, temporarily, with the productivity of a middle-aged mother who wants her son to be an Eagle Scout but he hasn’t earned any merit badges since he was 12 and he turns 18 in just three months.

The result was the song “DragonGirl,” which Barrowes wrote and recorded in one night and got the idea to put it on Spotify and donate the proceeds to a school or institution of some kind. It was then that he noticed that the name of the song included a mascot from an institution where he once performed, though he wasn’t sure if that mascot was “Dragon” or “Girl.” After searching for some time to try to figure out which institution it could possibly be, he eventually narrowed it down to AISU, Helen Keller Elementary School, the Smile-Away Reformatory School from Phineas and Ferb, and the Autumn Park Assisted Living Center.

An advisor close to Barrowes (presumably his mother) suggested that AISU and the Smile Away Reformatory School are probably the same thing, and that residents of Autumn Park Assisted Living probably won’t know how Spotify works anyway. So Shaun Barrowes decided to make 2 separate versions of the song, both of which you should leave on mute: “DragonGirl (feat. AISU Choir)” and “DragonGirl (feat. Helen Keller Elementary School).” He put each in its own album, along with another song, “Edge of Loneliness,” which Barrowes did not write but reminded him of his feelings after consuming the Fiery Doritos Locos Taco. Barrowes also made versions for Kenyan and Filipino students, respectively, but it is being speculated that the proceeds will actually be given to these students in the form of Taco Bell food, and experts strongly advise against doing that to those innocent children.

Shaun and his mother did not respond to requests for comment, though The Daily Gravy did leave multiple messages informing them that Helen Keller Elementary is not a school for blind and deaf children, but it is yet to be seen if they will hear that clarification. In the meantime, clicking this link and keeping the spotify album on mute and on repeat and mute for the next month straight in a separate tab or window and telling others to do the same will help the AISU choirs fund their trip to Carnegie Hall. Creating multiple Spotify accounts for this purpose is not frowned upon but rather invited and glorified.

 

 

SPECIAL NOTE: ALL PROCEEDS FROM ANY PRODUCTS BOUGHT ON THE DAILY GRAVY ZAZZLE STORE WILL GO TO CARNEGIE HALL FUNDRAISING FOR AISU FROM NOW UNTIL NOV. 30!

CHECK OUT THE NEW Dragon Girl T-SHIRTS (all proceeds go to AISU’s Carnegie Hall trip, not children in 3rd world countries)!! 2 t-shirts available in any style: “I’m a AISU Dragon Girl” and “卡内基音乐厅

Public Announcement: AISU Choirs, Theater Programs Given 1 Month Leave to Adapt to Not Automatically Being the Best

AISU—Due to the shock AISU choirs and theater programs are now facing due to not blowing everyone away with their performance at the Shakespearean Festival, administration has chosen to give music and theater students one month off to adapt to not being the best without trying anymore.

As Mark Smith said, “Times are clearly changing, and the AISU choral and theater programs can’t just waltz into performances and expect to blow everyone away like they used to. Why this has changed, I don’t know. But I do know this: it is certainly not due to decreased support from administration towards the performing arts following the departure of the Farleys. Definitely not that. But rather than thinking about ways that I can fix this, I am placing all students who did not dominate their respective competitions on one month of administrative leave. During this time, you should use think about what you have done, feel awful about yourselves, and consider transferring schools.”

Some students are excited about this month off of school, but others have noted eerie similarities between this month of leave and the “leave” granted to Mike Farley before he was wrongly fired. Meanwhile, the dance program remains in the sweet familiarity of being better than everyone else.

EXCLUSIVE: AISU Choirs Getting Record-Level Sucking Out in Rehearsals

Murray, UT—The American International School of Utah (AISU) choral program came into this school year with an understandable sense of uncertainty. The legend that was Ms. Erica is gone; many of the most talented students transferred or graduated; and Kelly was fired, which brought general happiness levels to an all-time low throughout the school. Needless to say, the future didn’t seem too bright for the AISU choral program.

The only thing AISU choirs really got to look forward to this year was the new choir director, Ms. Houghton. Possibly even more overqualified than Ms. Erica was for this job, Ms. Houghton reportedly taught Ms. Erica everything she knows about choral directing—and that’s a lot. However, some experts have expressed a concern: Given Ms. Houghton’s amazingness, will the choirs still be able to get as much sucking out in rehearsals?

The AISU choirs’ well-known awesomeness has long been attributed to their ability to sound downright awful during rehearsals, so that by the time a performance came along, there was no suckiness left in the performers, leaving only pleasant sounds that impressed judges.

Would a talented director like Ms. Houghton be able to get her students to suck sufficiently during rehearsals to keep this tradition going? After almost four weeks of choir, this concern has been thoroughly settled, as choir members and spectators alike have been overwhelmed by the unexpected amount of sucking the choirs have been getting out already. One choir analyst reports, “The first week of choir, both choirs were sounding really nice. They had a great sound and blended well and seemed to be picking things up really quickly. So obviously, we were really concerned. Devastated, in fact. It crushed a lot of hopes that AISU would be able to compete again.” He continues, “Luckily, by the third week, both choirs had gotten back to it and are sucking at a much more acceptable rate! Based on how much they’re sucking, there’s a good chance they won’t have any sucking left by the time they compete at the upcoming Shakespeare Festival!”

A student from the tenor section added, “I can only speak for my section, but we’ve sucked so much already! Nobody can hold a part, we can’t stay in tune, and we couldn’t find our notes if our lives depended on it. In fact, we have so much trouble finding our notes that by the time we compete at Shakespeare next week, there won’t be any notes left besides the right ones! I’ve never been more optimistic about our progress. I think our section alone has gotten more sucking out over these first two weeks than probably any choir has at AISU so far.”

Ms. Houghton also commented, saying, “To be honest, I didn’t know the AISU choirs had this much sucking in them! Erica has told me stories and everything, of course, but I thought she was exaggerating!” She added, beaming, occasionally slipping into a Boston accent. “I’ve never heard a choir who has been able to get this much sucking out in rehearsals, and I’m very proud.”

Word of all this sucking has reached competition judges, who reportedly have responded by engraving “AISU” into all of their trophies and plaques, just to save time.

 

Buy your authentic “I got all the sucking out in rehearsals” AISU Performing Arts button pin HERE (comes in various sizes) (proceeds go to preservation of future awards AISU will undoubtedly win).

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Truthful and stylish

The Daily Gravy Essential Back-to-School Shopping List

It’s not too late to finish up your back-to-school shopping before the first trimester starts! Because the Daily Gravy loves you and wants what’s best for you, we have provided below the essential back-to-school shopping list for all your AISU 2017-18 school year needs! Sponsored by Wal-Mart.

 

  • Whooping cough vaccinations

After last year’s outbreak at AISU, the official slogan for pertussis vaccinations changed from “It’s worth getting autism” to the more relevant “Vaccinate your students, or you’ll get fired from your own school, Ms. Erica will leave, your brothers will also get fired, Kelly will get fired, everyone will die inside, and eventually the school you created with so much hope and potential will be converted to the new county jail.”

 

  • Academic Edgeiblity™ forms by Ekim Hpmuts

Remember last year when the school cracked down on Academic Eligibility forms, which students had to turn in before participating in school activities? Well this year, students can skip the hassle of actually achieving academic eligibility and purchase one of these new Academic Edgeibility™ forms, which teach students the important life lessons that money is more important that qualifications, that buying something is an acceptable alternative to working for it, and that anything worth having is worth paying for (not figuratively but in a literal, monetary sense). Who knows, someday our students may apply these lessons and become President of the United States.

 

  • Crayons

No school year is complete without this classic necessity. Although AISU is mostly Chromebook-based, crayons are still important for scribbling cryptic images on the walls and drawing stick figures of your favorite staff members for them to hang on their refrigerators at home.

 

  • Kelly

Everybody knows that no school year would be complete without our favorite Kelly Casaday. He is by far the most important item on this list.

 

  • 3 extra Chromebook chargers

Because you’ll lose one of them, one of them is going to break, and one will probably be stolen by your creepy neighbor’s garden gnomes.

 

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Give fashion a try™

Show your love for (almost) everyone’s favorite superduperintendent and turn heads with this fashionable attire! Available in a variety of custom clothing items on zazzle.com (note: choose a dark color for best results). Get the t-shirt HERE. All proceeds go to Zazzle and the Find the Farleys charity program. (Or get a less stylish, discounted version HERE, if your love for Mike Farley is bound by monetary restrictions).

 

  • Edible food

Without Greg as our head lunch lady, school lunches are sure to be extra-inedible this coming year. Get ahead of the game by purchasing your own edible food, such as hot Cheetos and Coca-Cola.

 

This concludes the Daily Gravy’s essential back-to-school shopping list. Failure to purchase any of these items, and the attendant consequences, are now squarely on you.

NOTICE: Mark Smith Threatens AISU Staff, Students, and Parents With Termination if They Don’t Play This Song For Him Everytime He’s Nearby.

He prefers the disco version, but the house & radio versions are also acceptable.

Make sure to play this for him every time he’s in earshot, unless you want to get terminated—which we wouldn’t blame you for, except Mr. Huish and Dr. Sarah are worth staying for, and we’re not sure exactly how literal the word “termination” is in this case. It’s probably best if you bookmark the page.

Dan Griffiths – Board Member Bio

The Utah state charter board recently “strongly suggested” that the AISU board of directors add Dan Griffiths, a deceased Welsh rugby player, to the board, in order to help with finances (something that Dan Griffiths has helped other boards with, and something that the AISU school board is not supposed to have anything to do with). Read Dan Griffith’s full bio here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dan_Griffiths, and/or read a short summary below:

Dan Griffiths (1857-1946) was a Welsh rugby player and coal miner, who now helps school boards disobey their own bylaws from beyond the grave. He only ever played 2 international rugby games, both for Wales, and ended his career 1-1. He likely died from a combination of rugby injuries, lung problems from coal mining, trying to pronounce the name of the place he was born (Cwmduad), and angry time-travelling AISU students and parents who poisoned his food before giving him a chance to make things right by overthrowing the rest of the school board hunger games-style and reinstating the Farleys and Kelly. Staff members probably would have gone, too, if they weren’t afraid of getting fired. So now’s your chance, Dan. We’re watching you, one foot in the time machine.

Disclaimer: Dan Griffiths, Cwmduad-born deceased Welsh international rugby player and the new member of the AISU school board, is not to be confused with Daniel Griffiths, currently living Welsh rugby player, Coedcae School alumni. Dan played forward, Daniel plays fly-half/fullback. They’re very distinct, really.

Note: The AISU board is still looking for approximately 3 new members. If you are a caring parent or community member (or even student) who likes attending last-minute monthly meetings and making crucial decisions about AISU that you probably aren’t authorized to make, or if you know someone who has those qualities, apply to be a member of the school board by following this link: tinyurl.com/y8d2wjvm

Note, the sequel: if you get chosen when you sign up through the gravy, you are volunteering to take on the rest of the school board to a fight to the death hunger games-style, and/or go to all the meetings covering your ears and singing “Reinstate Mike Farley” at the top of your lungs the whole time.

Note, the trilogy: sign one of these petitions so that you don’t have to be on a board with the same people who break their own bylaws. That probably isn’t a positive environment to be in. Student Petition or if you’re a Parent or misc. community member Parent Petition

AISU School Board Holds Community Meeting, Reveals Nothing Except That They Don’t Brush Their Teeth

AISU—The American International School of Utah’s board of directors and some administration members held a community meeting on Tuesday to discuss  subjects they had previously refused to comment on. In the meeting, they continued refusing  to comment on these subjects. However, each attending member of the board (2 members) and members of school administration did have pieces of food in their teeth. This meant that while community members watched AISU metaphorically crumble to pieces, they also got to watch the school board and administration’s teeth do the same thing due to cavities and delayed dental checkups.

One of the subjects they refused to comment on was the removal of Mike Farley and if and when he will return. Many community members were frustrated by this, since Farley’s firing was their main concern and primary reason for attending the meeting. However, after the meeting, several people reported other things to be concerned about, including: When the last time Mark Smith has flossed was? If the number of success coaches is being cut in half, will the amount of success be cut in half as well? And was that a two-month-old cheeseburger in between Dr. Maxfield’s left canine and first premolar?

The board and administration also refused to tell some angry theater kids (who had attended the meeting in Shakespearian attire and asked every question using broken Victorian English with a British accent) who the new drama instructor will be. They did say that Mindy chose the replacement and is very excited about him, which worries theater students. Don Miller, the band instructor, is also being replaced, but administrators would not reveal the name of person replacing him, except to say he will be a “perfect fit,” which worries the band students. Mr. Justis’s right upper lateral incisor fell out and immediately disintegrated, which didn’t seem to faze any of the students at all.

The one piece of useful information that was given at this meeting was that Mike Farley was released for financial mismanagement, such as paying for fees the school owed out of his personal money. A piece of useful information that was not given was that the school board should not be involved in financial decisions, according to its own bylaws. The board and administration also said that their legal advisors had advised them not to release information concerning the termination of the entire Farley family, likely because the terminations were illegal, but it remains a possibility that they could not say any more because they were afraid that their teeth would shatter.

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A helpful infographic for the school board and administration

At one point during the meeting, the school board engaged in a shouting match with a member of the audience, during which a board member  claimed she didn’t know that minutes from board meetings were not being posted online. The  audience responded that this was a lie, and furthermore, that the school board member had something green in her teeth. The board member responded very loudly to say that she didn’t have anything in her teeth, because she brushed her teeth right before this meeting (which was also determined to be a lie, according to the Daily Gravy Fact Checker).

The meeting adjourned with refreshments, which were cookies shaped like the Farleys’ heads and opened cans of soda filled with backwash, later discovered to be Mark Smith’s mouthwash.

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