As you may have guessed by the updated subtitle on our website, the Daily Gravy is informally running for AISU Student Body President. Why? Primarily because we’ve been observing the U.S. presidential race, and we thought, why should Donald Trump have all the fun?
But we aren’t running in a formal manner, for a number of reasons. That number is 3. The first reason is we probably wouldn’t be able to because we aren’t really a student but more of a student body organization. The second reason is that it seems like a lot of hard work to fill out all those papers and be interviewed and everything. The third reason is that our campaign slogan is “Because Screw Authority” and if we ran by the rules we wouldn’t be screwing authority, we would be obeying it. And that’s no fun.
We as the Gravy do not expect you to vote for us just because it’s fun or because you like to screw authority, although we would be OK if you did that. Rather, we have outlined below a few things we will do if you elect us and reasons we think we are worthy of your unofficial vote:
- If the Gravy wins, everyone wins: As president, the Daily Gravy will obviously not be able to preside at meetings and assembles like a good president should, so various AISU students will be given the opportunity to represent the Gravy at these official functions. These students would include current SBO candidates (besides Jarrett, he’s already had his chance); responsible, charismatic students; and even you! All high school students, big or small, who want to represent the Gravy will have the chance at some point throughout the Gravy’s presidency. This will include wearing an authentic Gravy T-shirt provided by TeeRex Tees and possibly a Gravy mask.
- A vote for the Gravy is a vote against the system: You see, if you elect the Gravy as student body president, you have effectively beat a longstanding system without lifting more than a finger. Well done. How many high school students can say that?
- Inter-school fantasy sports leagues for scholarship money: If the Gravy is elected, one of our first movements will be to start a fantasy basketball league and possibly a fantasy football league with 11 other schools across the valley. The winning team will be awarded money toward a scholarship, along with a trophy made of chocolate or something.
- There won’t be so many celebration assemblies: I mean, they can be all right and maybe even useful once or twice a trimester, but we have them ALL THE GOSH DARN TIME. If the Gravy is elected, that won’t happen.
- We will fight A/B schedules, the longer school day, and other 3.0 changes as much as we can: You better believe it. You’re welcome, people with flex schedules. And also everyone.
- Psych: The Musical as a school musical possibility: Can you say, “The best thing ever”?
- Get partial English credits for guest writing for the Daily Gravy: You’re already planning to do it anyway. Why not get English 12 credits for it? There’s also the possibility of a Gravy intensive. How fun is that?
- No important school activities or meetings will be scheduled during primetime television: That’s just inconvenient for everybody.
- Lastly, think Shawn Spencer in Psych: Season 7, Episode 10 – “The Santa Barbarian Candidate” before the part where he’s trying to not get elected. Hilarious.
By now, you’re probably either super excited and wanting to know how you can vote for the Daily Gravy so you can do it and beg your friends to do it too, or you’re extremely confused and wondering how on this green earth it’s even going to be possible to vote for us—or both. Well, it’s really quite simple. All you have to do is scroll back to up to the top of this article and select one of the “The Daily Gravy” options under the “Who are you voting for and why?” poll. That’s pretty much all the work you have to do. Then, when Bill Glad or whoever sends out the “official” polls for student body president, vote for Seth. Or Ritz. Or Lynzie, or Aatheven, or anybody (except Jarrett. He’s already had his chance). It really doesn’t matter, they’re all nice people. Then, when the authoritative figure like Mark Smith or whoever presents the student body president, that doesn’t really mean anything. Who’s authority to tell you what you believe? If you, the student body, accept the Gravy as AISU president, then galldangit, who’s going to tell you you’re wrong? If you, the student body, accept most of the decisions made by Gravy representatives (you), then they happen. That’s all you have to do to beat the system. That’s it, and you screwed authority. You show them. Vote Gravy.