by James Delliskave, Middle School Historian and Professional Endless Pit of Useless Knowledge

 

The Daily Gravy has obtained a top-secret list of proposed topics for next year’s intensives, which the Gravy promised not to release to the public until they were officially announced, but the Gravy was lying. So here they are:

 

  • At-home plastic surgery
  • Chinese buffet management
  • Do-it-yourself blood transfusions
  • America’s Funniest Home Videos: beginner’s course
  • Sluffing 101
  • Cement diving
  • “Litter”acy: course in littering
  • History of evil rabid monkey people
  • Introduction to comb-overs
  • How to get diabetes
  • Socialism: It’s not just for military dictatorships anymore, with guest lecturer Bernie Sanders
  • Obesity through the ages, part 2: Henry VII–Homer Simpson
  • The seven habits of highly successful McDonald’s employees
  • Spontaneous combustion in a postmodern context
  • Advanced tax evasion
  • Stupidity for dummies
  • Manipulating the spending habits of children, featuring Spongebob Squarepants
  • False advertising: Sign up now and receive $100,000
  • How to be better than everyone else and look really good doing it; team-taught by Kanye West and Donald Trump
  • A beginner’s guide to money laundering and forging
  • Surviving the President Trump apocalypse

 

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